Friday, January 04, 2013

Let's Face it, I'm Human

It's true.  Let's just say that we've had a rough day today.  Children whining and crying and just simply off the wall.  Babies cranky and clingy due to teething.  Absolutely disastrous house. Laundry overflowing.  Whiny dog even!  Ahhh!  Yeah.  And this mama didn't respond so well to it all.  You could say I definitely acted out of my own flesh rather than out of the things of the Spirit of God.  I allowed my fears, anxieties, anger, and frustrations get the best of me today.  I am exhausted.  

My day didn't start so well either.  This was simply one of those days that I wish I could have just gone back to bed and start over a couple of hours later.  If only.  My beloved husband kept me up half the night with his snoring and kicking, and I had the worst nightmare ever about Jaydon being shot right in front of me.  It can't get much worse than that.  And to top it all off, Guido's alarm didn't go off this morning for some reason, which made him have less time to get ready and out the door, and I certainly didn't have time or the motivation to shower before he had to leave.  I was simply exhausted and overwhelmed today.  But it's better...

One of the things God has been and continues to work on with me is healing and restoration regarding fear and anger.  I got so frustrated today that I yelled a bit more than I would like to admit, and I acted mostly out of frustration and anger rather than love and grace.  Not cool.  I guess it's good though that I recognize it.  We're all human.  We all have bad days.  Many moms I know are exhausted and can relate.  It's simply not fun, but this too shall pass.  I just do not like how I was today.  I was so tired.  I was so edgy.  Every little thing seemed to irritate me today, and I just couldn't get a grip...and there was a much-needed grip necessary!

But all in all, things ended well.  I was able to shower, my kids were fed well and are sleeping peacefully.  Guido made it on time to work, got groceries for me, and had a decent evening at the church group tonight.  I stayed home because of not feeling well (I have a sort of burnout and become exhausted and overwhelmed very easily).  Jaydon had a great speech therapy appointment today!  His ST is very impressed with his progress, and she says he is doing great!  (Insert "proud mom smile" here)  We ended the evening with saying "I'm sorry", lost of huggies, kissies, raspberries, nosies, and giggles.  Well, Verah didn't giggle so much after Jaydon went upstairs and pulled on her hair or hit her or something right when I was heading up there.  Sigh.  All is good now.  

So why do I beat myself up for bad days?  Well, I am human, but I can't always use that as an excuse.  I have no excuses.  But...I DO have forgiveness.  My kids and husband are more than gracious, and I am thankful that the Lord is too.  I guess the missing component that is all too common for me is forgiving myself.  Ouch.  Not easy to do.  I put so many expectations on myself and seem to think that people do the same.  This only brings out more feeling and thoughts of failure and insecurity, and it causes me to focus on fear rather than what TRUTH says.  I am more than a conqueror.  His mercies are new every morning.  He loves and forgives.  Love endures all things.  I shall know the TRUTH, and the TRUTH shall set me free.  ...and so on.  I really just need to get a much-needed grip and get over it already!  I need to learn to forgive myself AND accept the forgiveness from my husband, children, and the Lord so we can move on in unity, love, and peace.  Easier said than done.  

So I sit here and reflect on this day with a thankful heart for this day shall too pass (It's after midnight...yay!), and tomorrow is a new day full of new hope, life, love, and new opportunities.  With the Lord, my husband, and my kids by my side, I shall bust out some carpe diem action tomorrow...but this time not without coffee AND a few hours of sleep!  

Night all!  ;)

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