Thursday, January 10, 2013

Snickers are Good for the Soul...and Amazing Grace!

No seriously.  They are.  After this day from Hades, chocolate is a bit soothing to my soul.  Oh em gee.  Okay, I confess.  I also ate a Twix and a Kit Kat.  But, in my defense, they're all mini candy bars from Christmas.  So there.

Anyway, today was a very challenging day for me.  I woke up feeling a bit "off" after having not have slept so well.  Jaydon was off the wall.  Luckily, Verah was sweet and easy so that was good.  But  This child challenges me to no end.  I feel so dumb as a mom when it comes to him.  I feel like I have no idea how to raise a boy.  I know these challenges are good, and I am learning a lot.  But about trials.  I love my son with everything in my being, AND he is quite a kid!  He is 2 and a half so why should I expect anything less than what he is giving out?  It's just been so hard, especially with my health issues and the burnout stuff going on.  My limits are much greater than normal, and I hate it.  I feel like it takes away from my kids because I am not 100% myself right now.  I need to remember, however, that where I am weak, He is strong.  He sustains me.  Ahhh.  Thank God He is God.  Amen?

I also know that things were insane today because yesterday was a great day full of breakthroughs!  From a financial situation being resolved to a nice phone call from my grandma to just a great day with my kids yesterday...resulted in straight up war today.  I should have seen it.  I should have prepared myself.  Well, I can go on and dwell on all of the "shoulda coulda woulda's", but that won't get me anywhere.  The point is that at least I can look back and reflect on the situation now AND be thankful.  Trials are not fun.  Pruning, growth, etc. is just not fun.  Necessary but totally not fun.  And I am in the midst of it.  Oy and vey.

Thankfully, I was able to attend my singing lesson this evening.  My teacher is great!  She is a young woman from Spain who attends a music conservatorium here in NL...which also means my lessons are in English!  Hallelujah!  Haha.  We did some warm-up, and then she asked me to pick out another song to work on.  Well, I picked another worship song.  This one is called "This is Amazing Grace" by Jeremy Riddle, and it's on Bethel Music's new CD, "For the Sake of the World." I love this song.  It speaks to my heart.  I just love the lyrics.  His amazing grace.  Wow.  My favorite line talks about God turning an orphan into a son or daughter.  This line speaks to me more than you know.  Why?  Because God showed me the other day that I have an orphan spirit.  I do not live as the daughter He calls me, but as a lost, abandoned orphan.  Wow.  That hit me like a ton of bricks.  But the breakthrough that is coming forth since receiving that word from the Lord has been wonderful.  It's still a process, of course, but it's wonderful to look back and see how His hand has always been and continues to be on my life.  His amazing grace.  Wow.  I am His daughter.  This is good stuff.

I know my blog tonight is completely random.  I am cold, tired, and I should have been in bed an hour and a half ago.  But...I said I would blog so I am trying to stay true to my word.  And it's just good to get things out in words, ya know?  Like a cleansing.  I find that when I do this, I can more easily lay things to rest instead of continuing to allow them to plague my mind and keep me worrying, anxious, upset, or whatever emotion is being triggered at the time.  All I know is that there is a battle raging, and we're all in the midst of it.  You, me, everyone.  There will be crapiola days and amazing days.  It's called life.  I am learning that it's just so good and worthwhile to soak up life's lessons that both offer so that we can move forward into all that God has for our lives.

...and with that, I bid you all a very good night!

"This is Amazing Grace" by Jeremy Riddle

Friday, January 04, 2013

Let's Face it, I'm Human

It's true.  Let's just say that we've had a rough day today.  Children whining and crying and just simply off the wall.  Babies cranky and clingy due to teething.  Absolutely disastrous house. Laundry overflowing.  Whiny dog even!  Ahhh!  Yeah.  And this mama didn't respond so well to it all.  You could say I definitely acted out of my own flesh rather than out of the things of the Spirit of God.  I allowed my fears, anxieties, anger, and frustrations get the best of me today.  I am exhausted.  

My day didn't start so well either.  This was simply one of those days that I wish I could have just gone back to bed and start over a couple of hours later.  If only.  My beloved husband kept me up half the night with his snoring and kicking, and I had the worst nightmare ever about Jaydon being shot right in front of me.  It can't get much worse than that.  And to top it all off, Guido's alarm didn't go off this morning for some reason, which made him have less time to get ready and out the door, and I certainly didn't have time or the motivation to shower before he had to leave.  I was simply exhausted and overwhelmed today.  But it's better...

One of the things God has been and continues to work on with me is healing and restoration regarding fear and anger.  I got so frustrated today that I yelled a bit more than I would like to admit, and I acted mostly out of frustration and anger rather than love and grace.  Not cool.  I guess it's good though that I recognize it.  We're all human.  We all have bad days.  Many moms I know are exhausted and can relate.  It's simply not fun, but this too shall pass.  I just do not like how I was today.  I was so tired.  I was so edgy.  Every little thing seemed to irritate me today, and I just couldn't get a grip...and there was a much-needed grip necessary!

But all in all, things ended well.  I was able to shower, my kids were fed well and are sleeping peacefully.  Guido made it on time to work, got groceries for me, and had a decent evening at the church group tonight.  I stayed home because of not feeling well (I have a sort of burnout and become exhausted and overwhelmed very easily).  Jaydon had a great speech therapy appointment today!  His ST is very impressed with his progress, and she says he is doing great!  (Insert "proud mom smile" here)  We ended the evening with saying "I'm sorry", lost of huggies, kissies, raspberries, nosies, and giggles.  Well, Verah didn't giggle so much after Jaydon went upstairs and pulled on her hair or hit her or something right when I was heading up there.  Sigh.  All is good now.  

So why do I beat myself up for bad days?  Well, I am human, but I can't always use that as an excuse.  I have no excuses.  But...I DO have forgiveness.  My kids and husband are more than gracious, and I am thankful that the Lord is too.  I guess the missing component that is all too common for me is forgiving myself.  Ouch.  Not easy to do.  I put so many expectations on myself and seem to think that people do the same.  This only brings out more feeling and thoughts of failure and insecurity, and it causes me to focus on fear rather than what TRUTH says.  I am more than a conqueror.  His mercies are new every morning.  He loves and forgives.  Love endures all things.  I shall know the TRUTH, and the TRUTH shall set me free.  ...and so on.  I really just need to get a much-needed grip and get over it already!  I need to learn to forgive myself AND accept the forgiveness from my husband, children, and the Lord so we can move on in unity, love, and peace.  Easier said than done.  

So I sit here and reflect on this day with a thankful heart for this day shall too pass (It's after midnight...yay!), and tomorrow is a new day full of new hope, life, love, and new opportunities.  With the Lord, my husband, and my kids by my side, I shall bust out some carpe diem action tomorrow...but this time not without coffee AND a few hours of sleep!  

Night all!  ;)

Wednesday, January 02, 2013

Let's Talk Temper Tantrums

I have a very quick minute while I drink my morning vanilla latte and watch the kiddos play so I thought I might jot down some thoughts that were going through my mind yesterday already.

Let's talk temper tantrums.  Now, as most of you know, I have a son named Jaydon who will be 3 years old in April.  And oh em gee...can he tantrum!  I am thinking this child should win some kind of award for it some days.  Wow.  Just wow.  Anyway, I was thinking yesterday and talking to God about how I want to be a better mom in regards to his tantrums in this next year.  Truth be told, I haven't been the most patient mother on the planet (ever!), especially when it comes to these meltdowns.  I get angry, frustrated, and sometimes I just lose it.  I yell, put him in time out, and I don't think through about how to effectively deal with the situation as often as I should.  You probably get where I am coming from.  Now, I must say that not every single time is a failing attempt at calming him down and getting things back under control, but most times...yikes.  I need to work on it for sure.

So yeah, I was praying and just talking to God.  I had to laugh at His response.  He told me to think about Jaydon's tantrums, and then think about my most common response to them.  (Not so good).  Then think about how we, as people...adults, children, whoever, throw tantrums all of the time with God. "But God, You're not blessing me RIGHT NOW!  You're not giving me the house I want NOW!  I need to get married NOW!  But God, this trial I am going through just is NOT FAIR!  These people in my life are making me crazy!  My job sucks, God!  I need more money!  I want new clothes!" ....and so on.  You get the picture.  When God was showing me this, I got quiet and low.  I mean, how else should one respond when the Lord is showing you how immature and just straight up ridiculous your behavior and actions can be when you don't get what you want when you want it?  Ahhh!

Needless to say, this situation was a bit of a wake-up call for me yesterday.  I could just picture myself saying these things at one time or another and thinking, "Man, I look pretty ridiculous right about now.  I am 31 years old, and I am throwing a fit like my toddler-aged son!" Okay, not REALLY like how Jaydon does with throwing myself on the ground and whatnot, but I am definitely not a happy camper when I don't get my way when I want my way.  I start having feelings of fear, doubt, and just discouragement when things don't go the way I think they should.  I lose faith.  I lose hope.  I forget about LOVE.  I doubt God, I forget His promises, and I allow the enemy to infiltrate my thoughts the way he sees fit.  Ouch.  Major eye opener right here.

I think the major missing link here is trust....or lack thereof.  We get so caught up in our human thinking that we forget that God most times has a better way and a better time frame.  No, God the BEST way and the BEST time frame.  Period.  The Bible talks about this in Isaiah 55 that His ways and His thoughts are much higher and different from ours.  He has everything under control.  He promises to work everything out for our good.  Sometimes we need to just stay put, endure, and trust Him.  We're always in a hurry to get nowhere, it seems.  When we focus so much on the destination, we lose sight of all that God wants to teach us along the journey towards that destination.  However, when our eyes are fixed on Him, we then begin to see just how valuable the life lessons along the journey are, and then the destination becomes of less importance to us.

So, I guess you could say that one of my "goals" this year is to learn to stop throwing temper tantrums about how I think my life needs to look at any given moment and just to start trusting God that He knows better.  He loves us so much and always wants the very best for us.  It's just learning that His best and our best look very different most of the time.  It's about giving up control.  It's about surrender and trust.  It's about letting God in and allowing Him to love me and not always putting my guard up when it comes to things I feel unsure or not so happy about.  I'll get there.  You'll get there.  That's the beauty of it all.  It's actually not about getting "there" at all that's important, but what we learn each step of the way.  God delights in walking this path called life with you.  So just let go, sit back, and enjoy the most amazing ride of your life!  He is with you always.  Amen.

Tuesday, January 01, 2013

2013: Believe!

So it's officially 2013 now!  Hope you all have had a wonderful new year so far.  We've had a pretty relaxed  day, but tomorrow it's back to the flow.  Guido heads back to work at his brand new job (yay!), and I am home with the kiddos trying to pick up the pieces of what's known as my house after the holiday rush.  The amount of laundry and housework I have to do is ridiculous, and it's overwhelming at times since I am limited with what and how much I can accomplish due to the problems with my hands, back, neck, etc.  It'll get done.  I have a great husband who is willing to help out wherever he can, and his new work hours will only bring more balance to our family that is ever so needed right now.

I have been busy working on this blog, and I am pretty excited about it.  I should have pursued this more actively a long time ago because I always have enough to say so why not write it down...or in this case...type it out?  My hope and prayer is that I can be consistent and also allow myself to become more vulnerable and transparent in a healthy way through this blog.  I admit to be a self-professed slacker, and the fact that I will soon be without a laptop to blog for a couple of weeks won't help matters any.  Ah well.  I have all of you wonderful people to get on my case now and hold me accountable to keep following my dreams.  But ya know, that's not necessarily what this post is about.  It's about me encouraging you (and myself, of course) to BELIEVE!  It's time to really look at our dreams, goals and aspirations and BELIEVE we can and will achieve them!  God is good, and He promises us that He is always with us, always works things out for our good, and gives us the strength to accomplish the things we set our hearts and minds to.

I was in the shower today, and I felt almost bombarded or something with all of these thoughts and ideas for this blog, for this year, and just for my life and family in general.  It's really exciting how God blesses us with such creativity if we will only take the tools that He equips us with and run the race towards the goal, ya know?  Anyway, it hit me.  BELIEVE!  God has given us dreams and aspirations in life.  He has placed us each on a unique journey and holds our destiny in His hands as a great treasure.  That's just how much He loves us.  Okay, so I can write all of this, but the point I am trying to make is that I have to believe it.  You have to believe it.  God believes in us so why do we find it so difficult, if not almost impossible, to believe in ourselves?  Why have we given up on our dreams?  Where is our child-like faith?  God is in a good mood!  He loves to lavish us in His love, blessings, and favor.  As important as our dreams are to us, our dreams are so much MORE important to God!  He created us, and He planted those amazing dreams inside of our hearts.  We now have to question ourselves if we will do our with Him to see to it that these dreams come true!  Sure, God's way, God's timing...listening to the Holy Spirit leading us and guiding us every step of the way.  Absolutely relevant and so important in the process.  Just don't give up, okay?  BELIEVE!  Start journaling again!  Write every single one of those dreams down, big or small, and believe God today to lead and guide you to accomplish each and every one in His way and His timing.

Guido and I wrote dreams down the other day and prayed over them.  We're excited about all that God has in store for us regarding our dreams.  We're also excited that He is equipping us with the skills, faith, confidence, and JOY to see to it that these dreams come true.  God is so good and so faithful.  I love how He loves me more than enough to care just as much as I do, if not more, about even the tiniest dreams, hope, and aspirations that lie down deep in my heart.  How cool is that!?

So...cheers to 2013!  Cheers to a new year filled with love, hope, joy, and dreams coming true!  Stand up, and BELIEVE cuz this is your BEST YEAR YET!

The Script - Hall of Fame ft.

The link I posted above is a pretty well-known song these days.  I just love the message of it.  It gets me pumped.  I can do anything!  I can do ALL THINGS through Christ Who strengthens me...and YOU!  So never forget that.  He's got amazing plans for you!  Chase after them, and watch God meet you every step of the way.