Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Life's Unexpectations...

it was the perfect "girl scenario. there i was on a warm vegas night, sitting in my pjs, indulging in mint chocolate chip ice cream (which is my absolute fave, by the way), hair pulled back, watching my fave show, One Tree Hill. am i lame? haha. i don't think so. just being myself, i guess. doesn't matter anyway. i was enjoying myself, and this experience got me thinkin', which is now leading me to write yet again...

tonight's episode was about tragedy, grief. the star basketball player funeral taking place and watching how others coped with this unexpected event after this guy was in the wrong place at the wrong time and was shot to death. also, watching other characters deal with their own inner turmoil that is just bottling up inside, and it makes you wonder what day, minute, second that they just can't take it anymore and will eventually explode.

for those who don't know this, and believe it or not, this show has had a major impact on my life. yes, i am newly 27 years of age, and i am deeply inspired by a teeny bopper's TV show. does it matter? i think not. OTH is in its 6th season, and it still affects me. granted, i missed most of season 5 due to living in Holland, but it doesn't matter. what i have seen of this show is enough to make me think. and i guess that's what i love about it.

so many things happen in our lives that are unexpected. i could name...oh let's say like a thousand right off the bat just in my own life, and i am sure you could too. not all of these life's unexpectations are bad, some are good, and others are even great. no matter what they are, they impact us in a way that we are changed...molded and shaped into the men and women we are today.

i guess the main "surrealities" in my life at the moment might be somehting like...i never expected to be back in the states again to live. i never expected to be divorced, and i am. i never expected to be a size 8 again after "getting lucky" and losing all of that weight to get into a size 2 right after my ex-husband left. i guess tragedy CAN be beneficial at times. haha. i never expected much of my life to take the turns that it has. some in my control, and others not. however, looking back, i guess i have to ask myself, if it was all worth it. those life's unexpectations. do even those make life worth living? that's quite a question, and maybe it cannot be answered in a simple "yes" or "no." everyone's opinion is different, i suppose.

i guess for me, it's been many of those life's unexpectations that have either propelled me into faith or shrunk me back into fear. but that's just it. we cannot control what happens or who happens in our lives. the only thing we can control is our reaction to them. i will be the first to admit that i haven't handled many situations in faith, but rather with fear. and it's been that fear that has and continues to plague my life. so this is where i am thankful for those life's unexpectations, whether they reveal the good, the bad, or the ugly side of life. why, you ask? because it's these twists and turns along the journey that give me another chance to do it right again. it's another chance for me to express my faith, and for God to express His faithfulness. and there is nothing more beautiful or more amazing than that.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Something Heavenly...

okay well, here goes nothin'. here i sit this fine evening, and i have this horrible chest cold, a headache, etc. lovely! however, the core of the issue has been spiritual and emotional in nature.
consider this song. it's amazing. here are the lyrics.

"Whatever You're Doing" by Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

so i have been feeling a bit stressed and run down the last few days. alot of stuff going on, and it's really exciting for the most part, but just so overwhelming. i guess i thought i would be handling it better than i am, or be more secure about the whole thing. well...yeah. it's been a time of some major seeking the Lord and just searching for His way, His will, and just...stuff. yeah.

anyway, i was chillin' tonight when the phone rang out of the blue. it was my friend, james. he called and asked me what's been going on in my life and how things are going. we exchanged stories of life's adventures, and during james' sharing time, he told me about the song from Sanctus Real. he explained how God was really speaking to his heart through this song. i was all excited, and so i told him i would definitely look it up on myspace after our talk. and so i did.
this phone conversation was so encouraging and such divine appointment. james spoke straight up to me about some things i needed to hear, and i knew God was speaking through him. it was major confirmation for me with some things i am dealing with at the moment. i just praise God for moments like these. i had been struggling with some things this week, and BAM! God comes through and speaks SO straight-forward and SO clearly. i just feel such peace and joy at this moment, and i am just so ever thankful for the Lord and His amazing love and grace in my life.

this song is amazing. i have listened to it probably 15 or 20 times in a row just to let the message sink deeply into my spirit. in the mist of the chaos and everything going on, healing is taking place, and something Heavenly IS happening in my life! it's okay to be honest about my feelings, it's okay to let go of the hurt and the pain, and it's okay to feel what i feel, but as long as i surrender it all to God and let Him make beauty out of my ashes.

someone once told me like a year ago that we empower what we believe. it's so true. i know that this season i am dealing head on with the spirit of fear, but even in the midst of this storm, i am confident that i will come out victorious. i am changing, and the best it yet to come. God is faithful.

so yeah....it's definitely time to let go of the past and embrace the present and the future. cuz lemme tell ya, the present and future holds GREAT things for me, and i am stoked. God is good. He really does restore all that the stupid enemy has stolen from me. what's happening in my life right now is evidence of that. He really IS in control. i truly AM on the journey of a lifetime so i better sit tight and just enjoy the ride. Wow...this is so cool. Thanks, God!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008


well, here i am once again, and i actually have been wanting to write this blog since last saturday night, but things have happened, and i have just been so exhausted to think past like 8 pm. haha. so here goes nothin'....

saturday night at church was amazing. there was a guest speaker, and his name is dave roever. for those of you who don't know him, dave is an amazing evangelist, and he works alot with the military and the US gov't. you see, save is a vietnam vet who had a phospherous grenade blow up in his face, leaving him with scares over most of his body. i mean, this man was badly burned beyond recognition, and he should not have lived...according to human understanding. but my God is greater! yep. my God saved this man's life, and now he goes around the world sharing his heart and testimony with others and touching lives everywhere.

dave spoke alot saturday night about scars. he referred to his own scars, mostly the physical ones, but also the emotional and spiritual scars. his story touched my heart so much and i left that service with so much more joy, hope, and just thanksgiving in my heart for the Lord's mercy and grace. there were several times when dave mentioned about the scars of divorce. each time i heard the word, it felt like a pinched nerve in my body. i cringed, almost as though it seemed too surreal to me to think that i have actually gone through AND survived a divorce. by His grace and mercy, i made it through, and now i can live to tell about it.

you see, what i took home with me that night is the message that every scar tells a story, whether it is visible or not. God can use our every scar for our good and His glory. how amazing is that?? it hit me like a ton of bricks. well, it was something i have always said and always knew, but to be reaffirmed in this was so refreshing for me. God is such a good God!

i'm still going through alot of healing, and many times, it is not easy. heck, when is it ever easy? but God is faithful. when i fall, He picks me right back up again, takes me by the hand, and leads me. sometimes i feel like i have to apologize for who i am or what i have been through, but i know i don't. my scars reveal a major part of who i am, and i am proud of them, in a way, because it's those very scars that give others hope. yep, it's true. our scars are proof to others that we have made it through the storms that have raged around us, and if we can do it, so can they. and this is such an amazing opportunity to express to them how much we needed God's love, mercy, and forgiveness to get through those trials and tribulations in our lives. what an amazing thing. God really does turn everything out for good.

that night at church, dave also made another good point. he said that it's so much more valuable to a person when we share what Jesus Christ has done in our own lives than if we just bash them over the head with a Bible and preach to them. so simple, so known, so misunderstood. you see, people want proof of our scars. they need that message of hope. the hope being Jesus Christ. however, they want to know what He has done personally in my life and in yours. people aren't as interested in what He has done in the apostle Paul's life or whoever. they want OUR story. they want a glimpse or OUR scars so they can be reassured that they are not the only ones in the world that knows what it's like to have these scars.

so yeah, i am jess, and i have scars. i have hurt. i have pain. i could go on and on and on. what i will say is that i am thankful to the Lord for every single thing i have gone through and continue to go through in my life. it has taught me SO much and molded and shaped me into the woman i am today. suffering for the cause of Christ is the most amazing and humbling experience in the life of a believer. no matter how strong life hits us with fears, worries, trials, tribulations, insecurities, and so on....He is there in our midst. and God is faithful. amen and glory to His name.

Friday, September 05, 2008

It’s Past My Bedtime....

and i am not in bed yet. and i feel like being grammatically incorrect for this blog so bear with me. haha. i just feel this urge to write blogs lately. i don't know, maybe it's more of my passion oozing out of me or something. at any rate, i am pretty sure that krysten will appreciate this, and i hope the rest of you will too.

i spoke to my good dear ol' friend, special k, mummy k, domi k, kwyten bug, etc...krysten....on the phone today. we killed about an hour and a half on the phone, which, for us, is not hard to do. i miss her. it was so cool to go to her about advice about some girly stuff. this disproves her theory that i don't love her anymore. she has a brain (for the most part), and she knows (somewhat) how to use it, and this benefits me...so the whole world is a better place. yay! hahaha. i so need to be in bed right now.

it's just good to know that she didn't forget about me and my crazy life adventures the past few years. i mean, we have not seen each other in over 2 and a half years, and we can still joke around and be ourselves as if we were still roommates in college (university for the europeans reading this). i really consider her my best friend whether or not she feels the same about me...(no pressure, K). haha. no matter what's going on, we understand each other. heck, we even have our own language, our own myspace profile, and we SHOULD have our own talk show. hahaha. people would hate us though. lol.

we discussed becoming 30 in 3 years. the whole thought makes us both wanna vomit profusely. i could have slapped my mother with a raw fish in the face when she reminded me of that horrible truth. i am reaching 30, and its going much faster than i anticipated. this sucks. haha. however, i hear from people that their 30's are better than their 20's, their 40's better than their 30's. and so on. i am sorry but i just feel old at the moment. everyone in my group of friends lately seems to be younger. "jess, how old are you? 27. i would have NEVER guessed THAT. i would have said MAYBE 18." GRR?? haha. well, at least when i am 50, i will look 25, so praise God for that!

right now at this very moment, i feel like a time bomb waiting to go off. what a strange feeling. now you all know why i have anxiety issues. maybe its a bit more ADHD though. haha. i am just getting so restless. i am excited to be borrowing a good book from a friend which will hopefully help me to better understand men and also myself. and yes, i admit that i am one of the ONLY women out there who does NOT understand men...well besides the fact that they want simplicity, which in and of itself seems too complicated to me. does it ever end? haha. i just feel on edge and unsettled. i hate that feeling. i swear its not me though. as im typing right now, i can see a picture of myself and there is a rocket strapped to my butt, and it goes off, and i am launched into somewhere. ouch!

maybe i am just overly excited? i mean, i have reason to be. God is good, and He is giving me lots of presents lately. lots of gifts, surprises, blessings...it's all comin'. i am loving it. truly. i just....wanna go....scream at a wild monkey and hope he doesn't talk back to me or something. dude, i saw this video recently of a monkey or baboon peeing in its own mouth. so gross but very funny. why am i sharing this with you? because i am lame, and i need to be in bed, and i cannot sleep...yet. haha.

i am beginning to think alot more about my dreams and gifts and stuff lately. gosh, i need a laptop so badly so i can work on my writing! everyone tells me that i have a gift of writing, and God has confirmed this so many times. i just need the right tools to accomplish the job. i mean, it runs in the family. my uncle's first book was published a couple of years ago, i think....so yeah, i got connections. i also have this big desire to paint, do pottery, take voice lessons, maybe even dance lessons, and set up my own prayer room. yes, i have many plans, and i know it will all come together in time. oh, and i badly wanna take a photography class! i am such a visual person, and i really need a new camera. my good one was stolen last year, and now i am just praying for a new one at some point so i can become better and better at what i love. i guess i would LOVE to be a photojournalist who travels all over the world writing about different tribes and cultures, about the sick and needy, about war and terror, about all of the amazing things God is doing throughout the earth...and to be able to put some pictures with it...wow. i should start a magazine! haha.

sometimes i feel like figuring out my life would be easier if it were all just written out on one of those pieces of paper that you find in a fortune cookie. but you can't just have ANY fortune cookie....it has to be the good tasting kind or else the fortune is fake, and you leave feeling like a real loser. its true. seriously. i just wanna DO something or BE someone that matters. I mean...i AM those things now...but i just have a heart to run out there and say..."here i am, God....just send me to do whatever....i wanna so crazy things for You...crazy things in the world...and i dont care...i wanna be free in You and thats that!" i can actually see myself running in a field in Zeeland or something and yelling this up to the sky...as if I need to yell so God can hear me. hahaha. I have done that by the dyke though. its such a freeing feeling with your hair blowing in the wind as you cry out to God for whatever He lays on your heart to pray. So so cool.

anyway, i think i have a point to this blog, but then again...i probably don't. i just have this need to let out some ADHD energy and write it in a blog cuz i cannot sleep cuz im restless and really need to stop typing run-on sentences. but yeah. people, go after your dreams. the main reason why our dreams aren't accomplished is because we do nothing to chase after them. its once we take that step of faith and run after them that God equips us with the tools we need along the way to make all of our dreams come true. and never forget His rainbows....they are His promises, and His promises are sure...they never fail. God never fails. hallelujah for that!

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Blender of Emotions.

Grr! Yeah, that's right. I said "Grr!" I am feeling a number of crazy emotions. If you could throw your emotions in a blender and press "start", how would they look after the blend? I have always wondered that. Haha. Okay, maybe that's a bit of an overexaggeration, which I am good at sometimes, but it would make for an interesting view.

So why am I "slightly" annoyed right now? Pretty much because people who are near and dear to my heart are being beaten up, bruised, and just hurt by very selfish and proud people. I just keep finding more and more pieces of this dysfunctional puzzle, and it just makes me wanna go hang out behind a dumpster and break dishes, as my one good friend, Kari, offered to do with me shortly after my ex-husband left. Haha. Okay, this reaction is delayed like 4 years, but it would feel oh so good right about now! I'm just sick of people hurting people. I've had it, and I have kept quiet long enough about it. I haven't wanted to take side at all, but this is just getting ridiculous. I have forgiven, and I am learning to forgive even more, which is a process, but how the heck can you forgive someone who keeps hurting you and the ones you love over and over and over again? Only Jesus holds the key to that mystery, I suppose. All I can do is surrender my anger and other emotions to the Lord and pray for Him to intervene in this situation...some way, somehow. The comfort in it all is that I know at least that God IS intervening despite how hopeless and horrible the situation looks right now.

Besides that crap, I am feelin' pretty good. God is just full of surprises this week, and it's not even Wednesday yet (well, here it's not, at least). I am learning so much more about just trusting Him. My faith is soaring because I have doubted some things that I have heard from the Lord for the past few months and even years, and now it's beginning to come to pass, and I am just like..."WHOA!" This stuff is coming out of nowhere, but it's great because it is yet another clear reminder that God is in control, and I am not. He is the One Who shapes the time and the events in our lives, and lately He seems to be doing some things in my life much sooner than I expected, but yeah, I am sooo not complaining. It's awesome, and God just rocks my socks.

I miss my long hair. There. I said it. Maybe I said it before, but I don't remember, but I have a tendency to repeat myself alot anyway, and this is the most ridiculous run-on sentence I have probably ever written. Ha! I thank God that my hair grows fast. I just want it to be a little longer. I want to be able to put it in a nice ponytail or just let it wave around in the wind that I wish existed in the desert called Las Vegas. Haha. I've felt a little tug to possibly color it too, but I have decided that I actually love my natural hair color! My hair is becoming more and more healthy, and I want to keep it that way. Gosh, it's so dang thick though. Oh well. That's life. At least I'm not bald, and maybe I can donate my extra hair to Locks of Love or something like that. I think it would be a noble gesture. :)

So I totally got all girly last night and watched Gossip Girl AND One Tree Hill. Both were good, but I am royally annoyed that I missed pretty much ALL of Season 5 of One Tree Hill because they don't show it in Holland...just re-runs of Seasons 1-4. Well, NOW they are probably showing Season 5, but it's just too late now. I know already that Lucas chose Peyton to fly to Vegas with and get married. Dan is still a psycho it seems, but the nanny lady is one sick bizzatch! Wow, I am lame. I love this show! What can I say? I seriously can relate to Lucas alot. He comes from a crazy family, and so do I. He is a writer, and so am I. He is hot, and so am I. Hahaha. Okay, I shall shuddup now.

I did it, folks. I watched the Republican Convention on TV this evening. Now, for the pure sake of watching my ass from Europeans who are in love with no matter who he is as long as he is a Democrat, I shall refrain from commenting. The only thing that I WILL say is that I have sorta been swayed from not wanting to vote at all to actually considering casting my ballot come November. We shall see when the time comes. Hehe. God Bless America. :)
I'm actually quite tired at the moment, and that's probably why this blog probably makes absolutely no sense right now. I haven't slept much the past couple of nights, and I have no idea why. Maybe it's because I am excited about everything God is doing in my life. Who knows. I have been having some pretty crazy dreams lately. I like dreaming. It fascinates me. I am such a visual person so these type of things definitely draw my attention. It's cool.

I am feeling....thankful. I am. Thankful for friends, for a roof over my head, for food in my tummy, for the simplest of things in life. I really am trying to aim towards being more simple. I am not sure how well it's going, but I am trying to make a sincere effort here. If I could only think like a man....oh wait, I don't have the proper tools for that. Haha. Shutting up now....LOL.
It's so cool to have this love affair with God. I am just falling so madly in love with Him. I can't help myself! Oh, and it affects my other relationships too. I am just loving people. People drive me nuts sometimes, especially the guy who cut us off in traffic today when we were coming back home from the bank and post office. The road rage mentality rose up in me, but then I backed down. Haha. But seriously, it's all about the love, man. I am just loving being loved. I feel SO incredibly loved! Love sets people free. His love is setting me free. That's a fact. It's good stuff.

Okay, that's about enough for now. I am losing my ability to type clearly at the moment, and I am turning into Kwyten. Now that just can't be good. Hehe.

It's off to dreamland for me....