Saturday, October 14, 2006

I Is Tired

Wow, the past couple of days have been so rough. There is so much spiritual warfare going on here. It's been crazy. Ugh, I hate it. I am not feeling very inspired to write these past few days. Maybe I am just tired or lazy or something. I really should journal more. There are a lot of things I should do more of. Anyway, I had a great time of prayer today. God really touched my heart and ministered to me regarding some heaviness that I have been carrying. I haven't been extremely obedient lately with regards to God's prompting to pray about specific people. So, He really prompted me today. He showed me that as I pray for them and stand into he gap for them, that I am "carrying their heaviness" in a sense. Yuck, I have to work at 9 am. It's not the work part as much as it is me just being sleepy. God has shown me so much these past couple of weeks in the midst of all this stuff going on around me and in my own life. This pruning thing is not easy, nor is it pleasant, but I know that it is necessary. I had a cool night tonight. I hung out at the hostel with my friend, Pat, who I met through my friend, Tara. We had a pretty interesting convo. I enjoy talking to open-minded people. I think I myself even fall into the trap at times of being closed-minded. It's a vicious trap to fall into. I was talking to a girl here named Amanda, and she and I had this great convo about prayer tonight. I feel like I never make God a priority in my life, and I know I do not spend enough time with Him. I desire to have a deeper relationship with Him, and this can only happen through prayer and spending time in His presence. So, the other day I was asked to take a leadership position here at the staff house. I will be the leader and coordinator for the prayer, intercession, and worship. I am really excited about it because that is my passion. I am really hoping that God will give me song lyrics. It's really been on my heart to write, but nothing is flowing yet. Maybe I just need not look for it and allow the Spirit of God to guide me. Anyway, I am tired, and I need to go to bed. I will be sure to give more of an update tomorrow or something.

Jess <><

Friday, October 06, 2006

Rain, Rain, Go Away....

I really wish it would stop raining. I mean, I like rain, but the rain and then no rain crap is dumb. I am feeling a bit tense right now. Marga and I just got back from shopping a bit to get things we needed. I didn't buy anything. I just hate seeing so many girls who "doll" themselves up so much. It makes me feel so plain and sometimes question my own looks. I hate comparing myself to other girls, but I know I am not alone in this struggle. If Marga weren't with me, I would have walked right back out of there. It's such a temptation, too, to want to buy new clothes to "feel more beautiful." Ugh! Thank God that He gave me the strength to NOT buy a thing! Man, I guess I am tense about other things too. God has been burdening my heart last night and today to pray for someone who I particularly do not want to pray for, but I know I should be praying for...make sense? I know I need to be obedient, and God told me "not to throw a hissy fit" about it and just do it. I was semi-obedient last night, but my attitude about it sucked, so now He is bothering me again with it today...*sigh* I am going to go hang out with my bro, Danny, tonight. It should be fun. Hopefully, this rain will let up a bit so we can go out and have a good time. Not sure what we're going to exactly do seeing as we are both lacking dinero at this time...haha! That's a whole other thing. I am really at a point of really needing to trust God completely for my finances. Everyone has been telling me that God is going to provide, and I believe it, but I just need to allow His promises to sink into my heart. He truly is a faithful God, and I know that He has called me here to Amsterdam, and because He has called me here, knowing full well about the bills and things I have, that He will provide everything. I just need to trust Him. Trust is not and has never been an easy thing for me. I am certainly growing, but it is definitely an ongoing process. God is really doing a work in me regarding discipline too. I am always reminded of that verse in Lamentations where it talks about the youth submitting to the yoke of the Lord's discipline...what a difficult lesson to learn. I think there is a song that says something about not praising God nearly enough. Man, I am definitely guilty of that one. Thank God for His sufficient grace. I think many times I am way too hard on myself. I don't know. I am just glad that I am in a place where I can confess my sucky attitude, BUT also not just sit there and be pissy, but actually get off of my duff and do something about it. So....I am going to pray, worship, and decorate my room now...and maybe take a nap too... :)

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

A Month in Amsterdam

So yeah, I have been here a month now in Amsterdam. Being here has truly changed my life. Gosh, I don't even know where to star or what to say. Prolly cuz I am really tired right now, so bear with me. Life here is so amazing. GOD is amazing! The things He has done and continues to do in my life is just awesome. I have never been so happy in my life. Each day is just a new opportunity for me to praise Him, and I am blessed. Soooo blessed! I have been so many wonderful people here at the Shelter. People from all over the world. I would list them all, but there are like 40 of us. It has been so sad seeing people leave here, but I know that this is a factor of life. People come and go in our lives. People change. I am changing. I remember this summer when God spoke to me about getting disciplined in Him. Man....It's definitely happening. He really has been teaching me a lot lately. The first week at the Shelter was difficult but good. I was attacked spiritually so much with things going on, and I almost got to the point of wondering if this is where I am supposed to be. That thought lasted for about a second. Then, I realized that I AM supposed to be here, and this is the reason WHY I am getting attacked so much. The stupid devil doesn't want me here. Well, I could care less whether or not he or anyone else wants me here because I know that God has an awesome plan and purpose for me to be there, and it is already showing in my life. Healing is really taking place. Sunday was one of the most amazing days for me. I told God that even if Sunday was the only reason why He brought me to Amsterdam, then I am more than blessed. Sunday was a day of real healing and breakthrough for me. I went to church in the morning at this awesome church callefd Maranatha, which is a predominantly black church. The service is in Dutch, but some songs are in English, and they also have English translators for the service. It was my second time attending this church. The worship blew me away. I really enjoy singing worship songs in Dutch. It's helping me learn the language, which is one of my goals to accomplish during my time here. It's going a bit slower than planned, but I'll get there! Anyway, during worship, God spoke to me about a few things. Then, this woman did some special music, and the first song she sang was almost exactly what God had just spoken to me about during worship. It was so cool. The message was very much an evangelistic message by a guest speaker who I think is from the states, but it was great and encouraging. After church, I came home, and me and Samgar were singing worship songs....Jason Upton, of course...hehehe! Then, he just said, "Let's just worship God." So we just sang and worshipped the Lord. Well, the Spirit of God came in the room so powerfully. He began singing prophetically into my life. Then, Maria came and prayed with me, and I began to ball my eyes out. God was speaking through her. So much healing occurred during this time. God was speaking to me, and I just felt like this flushing go through my body like He was removing all of the hurt and pain from broken relationships, childhood stuff, etc. It was amazing. I seriously feel like a whole new person. I can't even describe how much God has changed my life. I am still in awe that He has called me here to minister to His people. I have been some great people from all over the world and have established some great friendships that will last for a very long time. Gosh, I should have been blogging much sooner than now. I am a nerd for not doing that! Haha! I love to write, and often, I get thinkin so much, and there is so much I want to put into words, and I get too lazy or busy with other things that this becomes secondary. I guess it goes back to the discipline thing. I seriously want to write a book, maybe about my life...ya know, my testimony. We shall see. I love to write. It is so liberating. I find myself getting into the Word of God more and praying more, which has been giving me more inspiration to write song lyrics again. I am really excited about this. My roommate, Marga, and I are planning on leading worship at the Cleft one of these days, which will be cool. Granted I can't play an instrument, but I do love to sing. I don't have the greatest voice, but I know God is blessed when I sing His praises. Actually, worship sounds good right about until next time...