Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Key Word: Passion!

Yep, that's right. Passion is the theme for me this year. I'll explain.

For those of you who don't know, I am involved in a songwriting project with a friend of ours named Pieter. He and I have been writing some pretty good stuff (I think so anyway), and we usually meet every couple of weeks to do this. Well, we met on Monday evening. It was great. We had a great time of worship, prayer, and just being in God's presence. Pieter got an impression from the Lord about being passionate. He said that God was sort of showing him this vision of Him taking you, me, everyone by the hand and running through the forests, going on a great adventure. God wants to show us all of the things He is passionate about and also show us how passionate He is about us. Pieter said that it's so sad how passionate and crazy God is about us, but we don't even come close to expressing our passion about Him. This got me thinking.

Fast forward to yesterday morning...I was in the shower. For whatever reason, God enjoys speaking to me in the shower. I have no idea why, and I can't think of a reason why other than this is a place in which I am somewhat vulnerable. Ahem. Moving on. I began praying in the shower and just talking to God. I love just being real with Him. Just talking to Him like I would talk to the average person is just sometimes so refreshing that He just wants me to be myself with Him. Well, He began to majorly speak to me. He reminded me of what Pieter spoke about the night before, and He said this is for me this next year. The theme for my life is PASSION, and I am to embrace it to the fullest. (No pressure...right). He showed me that I need to be passionate about everything in my life. My relationship with Him, with others, all of the stuff I enjoy doing, all of the things I want to do in my life, and more. He showed me that by being passionate in my life leads to excellence and perseverance. Whoa! Again, no pressure. :) I just took this all in, and now I have been meditating on it all. Wowzers!

So this is where I am at. I want to be passionate in everything I do, in who I am, in who I want to become, in my relationships/friendships, etc. You get the picture. However, the question is "how" I can accomplish this. Also, what exactly does this mean? This is what I have been pondering for the past couple of days, and my heart is actually quite heavy from it all. It seems like a huge, unachievable burden, but it's really not. Or is it?

I want great relationships. I value deep friendships...I value ALL friendships. I just want and maybe need more real...more deep. I don't know. I desire more depth in my life in general. This all needs to start and also end with Jesus and Jesus alone. If He is not the center of this quest for passion, then what is the point? There isn't one. Relationships are definitely give and take. My heart is to give. I have so much to give, and I think I have stuff to offer people. I mean, that's not sounding arrogant or something, right? I just want to be a good friend to people. But I also just want to have some solid friendships in return. I know I do. It just appears that most, if not all, of them are not existing anywhere geographically close to me...and that just plain sucks.

So now I am on this adventure to learn all about relationships/friendships and just plain relationship in and of itself. What does all of this stuff mean? Are MY expectations too high? Where is all of this coming from? I mean, I know I am a very insecure person and many times feel inadequate. No, I am not afraid to admit that. I'd rather be open and honest about my struggles than try to suppress them like I have been for oh so long.

Anyway, cheers to this new season/adventure/journey/quest...or whatever else you want to call it. Here goes nothin'! I just hope I learn more about passion along the way because I think I am pretty passionate about God and other things already (which is where my stubbornness also comes out...yep), but I have so much more to learn. I don't want to run anymore. I don't want to hit the "epic fail" button in my life one more time because I am too scared or insecure to keep pressing on. Nope. Not this time. It's passion or bust, and I am going to do it with joy cuz otherwise there's just no point. Oh Jesus, thanks for this amazing life You've given me and this opportunity to learn more about myself and express myself in new and creative ways even if it is by far one of the scariest things I've ever embarked on. Here we go!

Saturday, January 01, 2011

Cheers to the New Year! 2011 and a Look Back at 2010...

Holy crap! I cannot believe it is already 2011. I also cannot believe that I am actually taking the time to blog. I am writing to you from my husband's work laptop since mine is currently at the computer doctor. I was going to wait until I got my laptop back to write, but then I figured I should do it now...New Year's Day...before I forget (again), and I just don't do it anymore. My friend, Krysten, had suggested to me before that I should blog more so here is my attempt to get off on the right track in 2011. Here goes nothin'...

2010...what can I say? What a life-changing year! Guido and I became parents! Our son, Jaydon Daniel, is by far thee most amazing blessing in 2010 and beyond. He is so much more than I could ever ask for, pray for, hope for. He is a child who is full of joy and just lights up the room with his smile and giggles. I love him so much I can't even stand it. Having him in my world has changed me a lot...and I love it. I just cannot believe that he is now 8 months old. One year ago, I was feeling his active little self moving around in my belly, playing football in there, kicking like crazy, or something to that effect. Now he is here with, breathing, making messes, babbling away, moving about, and more. It's so surreal. I never knew what I truly signed up for when becoming a mom, but man is it amazing! I could go on and on.

Let's see...what else happened in 2010? Well, I feel like it's just zapped right by. I'd like to tell you that I grew immensely in my walk with God, I grew closer to my husband, I learned more about myself, and more. These things are perhaps true (hope so!), but all in all...I am still me. Whatever that means. This was my last full year of being in my 20's. I have no idea as to why this is freaking me out so much, and why I am randomly bringing it up. It's probably because of lack of sleep at the moment. Haha. I guess part of me feels like I have missed out on something in my 20's. I don't know what, how, or why. I guess maybe because I have endured so much heartache during my 20's that I feel like I missed out on so many things that others in this age range have or are accomplishing in their lives. There are lots of reasons why things in my life didn't go as planned, but I am learning more and more that those things certainly are not useless in my life. God has a purpose in everything good and bad. We can blame Him for causing this or that, but whatever. The fact of the matter is that He can and does use it all for His glory and for our benefit. It's all opportunity to draw closer to Him in the midst of the storms, the sunny days, and the overcast skies.

Now...onto 2011. Thanks for sneaking up on me! Haha! I will admit that I had a little bit of anxiety last night while waiting for the time to switch to midnight. I had this feeling of "Okay, let's just get on with it already!" I don't know why I had this anxiety, but I think some of it has to do with change. I don't do so well with change. Never have, but I hope that changes. Oxymoron much? I feel this burden or responsibility to press forward into this new calendar year, let go of the past, leave it there, and just live. Why is THAT so difficult? You got me swingin'. If you've got an answer for me, I'd love to hear it. Seriously.

All in all, I need to really learn more how to love myself. I think what holds me back from receiving love from others (God, husband, family, friends, perfect strangers) is that I don't first love myself enough. It's a self-worth thing or lack thereof. Definitely an area of prayer for me this next year. I want to and need to become more comfortable and confident in my own skin. I need to look in the mirror like that little girl, Jessica, and say...I am beautiful, everything and everyone is great, etc. That kiddo surely inspires me! Children are such a blessing and so full of wisdom beyond their years. God is good in how He speaks through his little kids. I love it. I'm definitely looking forward to the witty things my little guy will say once he can talk. If he is anything like his mother, I am sure he will have a lot to say about anything and everything!

Anyway...back on subject. Oye ve. I will be 30 this year. I am really a grown woman, a wife, a mother, but I am a woman. I am not a young girl. I am not a child. I am in some ways (depending on your point of view), but I am a woman. I am confident, beautiful, loving, gracious, and free. I am great because He is great, and He doesn't make junk. I am beautiful because He is beautiful, and I am made in His image. Right? Gosh, I feel like I could write a self-help book. Wow. Sometimes I feel like I owe people an explanation about just about everything in my life that is happening, has happened, or may even happen. Why? Let it go. Live one day at a time. Love courageously. Just. be. me. This is my goal for 2011. I want to truly discover who "me" is in this next year and live according to my identity and destiny in Christ Jesus to the absolute fullest without holding back. I challenge you to do the same.

Much love, and a very blessed and Happy New Year!
Cheers to 2011!!