Monday, August 10, 2009

Am I lost?

What a question. Yeah, you might be wondering why the heck I would be asking myself that, but let me clarify what I mean.

Last week, I happened to invade my brother-in-law's movie collection. I have gotten sick of my own movies so I needed to check out something fresh. He has some movies that I hadn't seen before. Well, needless to say, I have been watching more movies than normal in the past few days.

Today, I decided to watch "The Holiday." It's the film with Cameron Diaz, Kate Winslet, Jack Black, and Jude Law. Great movie! Just watching it, the storyline, the details, even down to the careers of the characters got me to thinking. Am I lost? Have I lost my dream? Did I leave my goals and aspirations at the door somewhere and forget to pick them up? Why did I let them go in the first place?

Okay...okay...okay, maybe I am in "lala land" at the moment, but I don't know what it is. I just get so inspired by certain films I've seen, books I've read, conversations I've had. I am a dreamer. That is for sure. I just wish I did a bit better in the pursuit of those dreams a little more often. Surely, they sit in the back of my mind alot. Maybe it's a fear thing. Possibly an insecurity thing. Or...just maybe it's being hit with the reality that this is not my life. Plain and simple. But...why couldn't it be? My heart was charged up again while watching this movie. I went back to those days back in high school when I would write songs, lyricsw, poetry, even scripts and story lines. I had big dreams to become a filmmaker and screenwriter someday. I had dreams to become a musician and to inspire and influence my generation and others with my creative gifts and talents. But...for some reason, I've just let it go. Shame on me.

So now that I have unveiled a little bit of that good ol' "my life feels like a train wreck" feeling, where do I go from here? How do I get "unlost"? Is it possible? Sometimes I find myself sort of "freaking out" (okay...a little exaggeration) about the fact that I am quickly approaching 30 years old. I feel like my life is this timeline, and it has to go a certain way. I feel like I have missed the mark, and those once REAL-LIFE dreams have become just mere memories in the back of my mind.

I guess my biggest struggle is (and always has been) for someone to believe in me. But hey, then I ask myself, "How can someone believe in me when I hardly believe in myself?" Strange. Maybe I am afraid that I won't be good enough or that someone will make fun of it or I won't appease the people in my life that I have been trying to since I can't even remember. I don't know anymore. All I know is that I have big dreams, and I need to remember that it's never too late to get back in the game. Never.

Friday, August 07, 2009

Music and Lyrics

Wow, I really need to write more. Once again I find myself staring at the screen with no inspiration to write, but since I was told that I need to be blogging more often, here is a petty attempt to express myself through words.

Tonight, I watched the movie, "Music & Lyrics" which stars Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore. I really liked the movie even though I don't think I would ever nominate it for an Oscar or anything. For me personally, it is a movie that inspires. Why? Well, for those of you who don't know, I write lyrics. I've been writing them for like 11 or 12 years now, but it hasn't been until the past few months in which my work has been put to music. It's actually pretty exciting.

In some ways, I could really relate to Drew's character, Sophie. Here she was, thinking that she could never write songs, but hey...she proved everyone, most importantly herself, wrong. I am beginning to experience the same in my life. I actually never thought my stuff was even worth trying to put music to it, but now several of my lyrics have evolved into actual songs. It's just amazing. I feel like I am actually walking in my destiny and following part of the calling that I believe the Lord has for my life.

I just feel so....uninspired lately. Sometimes, I get the greatest the strangest moments. I might be in the shower or walking my dog, and suddenly a tune or a verse pops into my head, and I am able to with it. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's because things seem all "up in the air" right now. I have loads of questions, and I am hoping to get some answers sometime in this century. Yeah yeah yeah...I get it. The whole "a thousand years is like a day and a day like a thousand years" blah blah blah. Oh well...moving on.

I'm very tired. It's probably one of the hottest days of the summer today. I feel sticky and warm, and we don't even have a fan to keep cool. Yucko! hehe. The house hunt is exhausting. My birthday is in 3 weeks! Flevo is in 2 weeks. We're possibly going to Hungary for 2 weeks. That's the plan, anyway. Oh, and I will have a REAL birthday party for the first time since I was like 6 years old. Amazing!

...I bought Oreos tonight and dipped them in milk while watching the movie. This was done in honor of family and my dear friends...whom I miss alot. I need some Aunt Jemima's and some REAL American PB, and fast. If you would like to send me a care package, please let me know. haha.


(Maybe by the next time I blog, I will have something a bit more meaningful to say. maybe...just maybe.)