Saturday, August 30, 2008

Birthday, Random Thoughts, and More.

I really don't have anything witty or inspiring to say tonight. It's moreso that I am restless, and it's too early to go to bed while the whole rest of the house is silent, sweetly nestled in their beds, resting and awaiting for a new day to begin. I'm so not there....yet. Haha.

So I am now 27 years old. I cannot believe I am closer to 30 than I am to 20. I remember on my 18th birthday when someone jokingly said to me how I could "be an adult now" and purchase a pack of cigarettes or a lottery ticket. Dang, how time flies. Don't you hate it how you simply cannot control time? What I mean is...for me anyway, sometimes I just want my life to slow down, while other times I just want to speed it up to the next big and amazing event...or whatever. Yeah, I am pretty much glad that God controls the whole time thing, and not me. Otherwise, it might turn out to be some sort of "Red light, Green light" game, and that gets old really fast.

I praise God for such an amazing birthday. I turned 27 on the 27th of August, and this was such a chill but fun birthday. Because of different things going on in my life, I wasn't so sure that it would be a good birthday, but I was determined to make the best of it regardless of how things in everyday life have been looking lately. The night before my birthday, I got on my knees before the Lord, and like a child, I asked God for a birthday miracle. I didn't specify what I wanted, expected, or hoped for. I figured I might as well leave it up to Him since He knows what I need and desire way more than I do. Let me just tell you that God completely exceeded what I even thought was possible or probable. I was and still am just amazed by His love for me....His mercy, His just never fails. Hallelujah for that. Thank you again to everyone who helped to make my birthday such an amazing and special day....thank you for the phone calls, the fun night out, the special secret gifts, the birthday wishes, and so on. It made me feel like such a queen for a day...well, moreso than I have been feeling for a while now...thank God for changing my perspective on myself.

That's right. He is actually showing me how to love myself, to call myself beautiful, lovely, and so much full or worth to Him and to others. Hallelujah. This evening, I was speaking with a few women in this group, and two of them had the same word for me. God gave them both a picture of a pearl, and I was this pearl. The Lord said that I am just so lovely and precious to Him, like this pearl. Also, the one picture was of a pearl set in a gold ring setting. So the Lord was saying how He is setting me in the right places, and at times, it doesn't seem that I may fit, but He is molding me and shaping me to fit perfectly. This really ministered to me, especially where I am at in my life. It seems so many times that, no matter where I go, I don't exactly "fit" in the surroundings. Praise be to my Daddy God that He sees that care of mine, and He loves me so much that He spoke to me about this situation this evening. Such an amazing blessing for me.
I didn't realize just how much God was teaching me about love and trust until a couple of days ago. It's just amazing. As some of you know, I am probably one of the biggest "scaredy cats" I know. I can't even watch a show like 24 or Prisonbreak without freaking out and being on edge because of something horrible happening. Shows like that make me just wanna cry lately. This whole mercy and sensitivity thing is seriously kicking my butt sometimes. Praise be to God, though, that I have this sensitivity because God has used this gift and others to show me how to minister to His people. Okay, call me a sissy if ya want to. Haha. Anyway, I struggle and have struggled for many years with fear and anxiety, and I see how these things have taken a toll on my life in many different areas. A couple of weeks ago, I was at this amazing healing service, and this woman, Carina, and her husband, Christian, prayed over me, and the Lord spoke through them about this fear that has invaded my life, and this is the season that He is going to walk me through to victory and deliver me from this horrible stronghold. Just hearing those words was like a breath of fresh air. To know that God cares for me so much, and He more than patient and loving enough to heal me from this. Wow. All I can say is "wow."

Some people have made comments to me about my writing. Sometimes I am too blunt maybe, and other times I may share too much about me. I guess that's not always a bad thing. For me, it actually breaks this mindset of being told all of my life to be hush hush secretive about everything. I consider it a blessing and a gift from God to be transparent...within reason, of course. I am learning, however, what it means to not cast my pearls before swine, and that's been a difficult and painful thing, but a very very good lesson for me. Gosh, if I could, I would save the world. But ya know, that's not needed cuz Jesus already did that so I just need to sit back and relax a bit, even if I am semi-convinced that it might kill me. Haha. There's that drama in me rising up again.

Seriously though, I cannot just sit and do nothing. I have to be doing something for someone....helping someone, something. This whole "rest" thing is making me go a little crazy, as if I'm not already, as 99.9% of you are thinking as you are reading this sentence. Whateva! I attribute part of this struggle to my belief that I have undiagnosed ADHD. I know I shouldn't say that about myself because many believe I am speaking a curse into my life, but seriously....I cannot sit still for very long or else it might just kill me. Haha. Yet again. I guess it's safe to say that I feel like I am in "time out" right now. Daddy God is not punishing me, but He is just gently placing me in the corner for however long, and He is not letting me out until I have "learned my lesson." I guess that lesson, at least one of them, is to let Him love on me, to trust Him, to let Him heal me, restore me, and make me whole, among a bunch of other things along the way.

So, I guess it's not about the destination all of the time, is it? In fact, I don't think it hardly ever is. Why, then, are we so driven to get arrive? Wherever "there" even is. The climb up the mountain kicks my ass for real, but I learn so much on my way up so that when I get there, I look back and realize it was worth every drip of blood, sweat, and tears. That's right. It's about time I stop looking back at the past and start pressing on towards the here and now and the future. I cannot change what's happened, but rather, I can only learn from it and move on. This is also why I praise God for new beginnings. I praise Him for His mercies being new every morning. He is such a great God.

I find myself praising God more and never before....simply saying that He is good. Sometimes I don't even know why I said that He is good, but do I always need a specific reason? No. I don't think so. God is not good because of what He does. God is good sinply because He is. That's right. God is good because God is God. It's in His nature to be good. That's His love for us. Gosh, how cool.

Lately, I have had this massive drive to write lots and lots more, maybe also because I have alot more time on my hands than I would like to have right now. I also have this drive to sing more and get into painting and artsy fartsy stuff. I really pray that the creative juices start to flow at deeper and higher levels in this time in my life. I know that God is preparing me for amazing things. However, I have to remember that everyday should be amazing, even if it's sucky, it's still amazing. Why? Because God gave us breath for everyday, not just some days. That in and of itself is a miracle.

I was so messed up the other night. I consider myself more of a casual, chillin' with the guys kinda girl. I never did so well with a group of girls. However, put a chick flick in front of me, and it's all over, dude. Seriously, I am lame. I was watching "What Women Want" of all movies to watch the other night on TV. It was kinda late, so I was up alone, and I just began crying! Then, that movie gets over, and I watch "My Big Fat Greek Wedding"!! What the heck! I start crying again! I seriously will never admit to being a hopeless romantic, but lately I am beginning to wonder.

The next day, after my traumatic and romantically whatever-you-wanna-call-it experience, I decided to ask Joe, my friend Barb's husband, what it is that MEN want. Gosh, I guess I asked the question of a century. Heck, I still don't even know what women, in general, want, but I figure I might as well get a heads up on the men part. Haha. His answer: simplicity. I was like, that's it?? Yep. So, after taking a few days to wipe the look of shock off of my face and let that whole conversation sink in, I began to think about it more in depth. This brought me to a great quote by Lou Engle..."Burn and stay simple." It made me think about how many times we, as human beings, (NOT just women, by the way), complicate life so much when God is just so simple. I really think that. He is so simple with us, as His kiddos, but we have these big intellectual ideas and theological perspectives that just get in the way of God's clear message to us. Sometimes I just get so sick of the power of the mind, so-to-speak. Yes, God is an amazing and mysterious God. However, just like He tells us to have faith like a child, He says it as our Daddy God, and how we would say it or do say it to our own kids. You know, with a toddler or a small child, you have to keep things simple for them so they can understand the message you are trying to convey. Well, I think it's the same for us and the Lord. The more we get to know Him, the more we trust Him, and the more familiar His voice becomes, and it makes our lives so much simpler. If we could just get THAT part of things, this whole stupid satan, devil, blah blah blah lies bullcrap would be a piece of cake!

So anyway, I think I am learning alot about myself, about my God, and about life. I know I am definitely learning about rest, and even though I don't like it so much, it's necessary. By the way, check out The Glorious Unseen. Their music just rocks me. I cannot get enough of it. The intimacy with the Lord that's spoken in the lyrics just rocks my world. I pray that it's a blessing to you as well. (Oh, and if you're feeling super guilty about not buying me a birthday present yet, this would make the PERFECT gift! Or also a $100 or more gift certificate to H&M or something would also do...hahaha. Message me for more details!) I am so lame. Haha.

One last thing....back when we were teenagers, my friend, Sarah, gave me a magnet from her grandparents' store, and this describes me to a "T"...."Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused." Seriously, that's pretty amazing. It's totally me. I still have that magnet somewhere in NY. Haha. I am so old.

Goodnight and God's zegen. :)

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