In The Middle...

http://www.myspace.com/jonathandavidhelser

Listen to the song, "In The Middle" by Jonathan David Helsner.

Why? Because this song will rock your world just as it is mine.

I cannot help but listen to this beautiful song of truth, especially at such a trying and difficult time in my life. I love the lyrics because they minister to me God's love, His promises, and so so much more.

"....in the middle of my mess....You never leave..."

How amazing is that?!? I believe it is Isaiah 41:10 that talks about God's promise to never leave us nor forsake us. God cannot lie, and He cannot go back on His Word, according to the book of Hebrews, so we have to trust that when He says He will never leave us nor forsake us, well by golly, He won't!

This is such a hard lesson for me to learn right now, though. I have been fighting so many lies and horrible and plain old demonic mindsets about myself and especially about God, His love, and about others and how they see me. A couple of weeks ago, I even came to this horrible "conclusion" that I am unloveable. My heart has and continues to cry out in desperation to be loved, respected, and not hurt and rejected all of the time. I praise God that He alone can meet this need and desire with 100% perfection. Why? Because He is a perfect and amazing God, and He IS the definition of love.

I struggle so much with seeing myself as beautiful, loved, wanted, needed, desired. I am learning that once again tough lesson to not put my confidence in man, but in the Lord, as I believe it says in Psalm 118. I mean, let's face it, I have gone through alot of hell in my 26+ years of life, but one thing I can say about each time, God never left me. Despite the fact that it has seemed like I was all alone, and I will admit, that's how I feel many times right now, it's simply a lie.

Despite the painful, but very very good healing process that I have been going through for such a long time, I have been walking through other trials and tribulations in my life in which it seems like I cannot "see the light at the end of the tunnel," as many would say. Ever since I returned to Europe, I have been battling physical health problems, which is not like me. It has scared me these past few months because I haven't had these type of problems for years...mostly since I was a teenager. I have been undergoing new things, new "problems" in which I had never dealt with before, and that is painful....in many ways. However, in the midst, I had a good friend tell me the other night that God's Word is true. If His Word says that By His stripes, we are healed (which it does!!), then we need to claim it!

For me, it comes down to a faith issue. I have been blown away by people coming up to me throughout my almost 12 year-walk with the Lord, and they have said, "Jess, you are really a woman of faith." My stomach turns everytime I hear this because I am thinking, "Are you on crack? WHAT faith?" There is so much in this life that I will never understand, and one of those things is the greatness, awesomeness, and sovereignty of God. All I can tell you is that He IS great. He IS amazing. He IS sovereign.

This week specifically, I have been battling many issues with rejection and hurt, especially in the area of relationships. I look down the road, and I do not see "the solution" in sight. So, I have gone to my entrusted friends and loved ones, and each other has said, "Jess, it is time to trust God." Me? Trust God? From this, I had some thoughts about God, and how I look to Him....may times as surreal. Sure I can read the Bible, I can pray, and I can encourage others in their faith, but what do I really believe? In the end, things in my life DO seem to fall into place, many times not in the way that I expected or hoped (which wasn't as good as God's plan and design anyway), but I just get so overwhelmed that this "invisible" God has orchestrated all of this on my behalf.

A good friend told me the other day that if I cannot love my brother or sister, how can I love an "invisible" God? This question (and challenge) blew my mind. What does it mean to love? What does it mean to forgive? Am I doing both? Am I exercising them enough? Maybe...maybe not. Either way, God is speaking to my heart to love. Even when I am hurt and rejected and "thrown to the curb", still....love.

So, in the middle of it all, He never leaves. Why? Because He loves, and He IS love. God cares for us so much that He gave His only Son for us. I cannot imagine doing this. It's hard for me to sacrifice little things sometimes, and to think that this amazing and incredible God gave His only Son so we could have communion and fellowship with Him just blows my mind.

Today, I am challenging myself (and you) to allow God's love flow through your heart onto others. There may be people in your life, close or not so close, who you just find it SO difficult to love and accept them. That's okay. If you're allowing HIS love to flow through you, then you cannot go wrong. From experience, however, I have learned that when we try to love and to give all of ourselves with our own strength, we get overwhelmed, we give up, and we fail. It happens everytime.

Make a choice to love today. Make a choice to let yourself BE loved today. Read 1 Corinthians 13 again and again and meditate on what love really is. Ask God for new and fresh revelation of His love for you. Meditate also on 1 John 4. You can't go wrong when you do this because by His Spirit, He will meet you where you are, and He will prove His love to you again and again....He actually already has. Look to the cross, and you will never be the same again.

And one more thing....(and this is VERY hard for me to say this)...

I love you...and so does God. Amen.

Bliss

What is bliss?

According to www.answers.com, it is "Extreme happiness; ecstasy. The ecstasy of salvation; spiritual joy."

If this is what bliss is, then I want it. My heart is aching so much, and I just want to cry. I don't even know why I am writing on here. I am allowing myself to be vulnerable, I suppose. I just feel like my life is so out of control. It's like everything I ever relied on has been turned upside down, and now I am in just one big...mess.

I have a thousand and one people telling me to go this way or to do that thing there, but what is it that God is really saying to me right now? People have their opinions, their thoughts, their advice, but does any of it matter anymore? I feel so confused right now that I cannot even think clearly. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. That's what I told a friend earlier tonight anyway.

I haven't written in a while. I mean...truly written. I am sad about that. This is my passion. Gosh, I would give anything to just be able to...write, and to get paid for it. Maybe there is a clue there, but then again, who am I fooling? Who ever gave me permission to pursue my dreams? Nobody. Then again, do I need permission for this sort of thing? It seems to be that way.

Oh yeah, about bliss. For me, that word seems like a joke and maybe a never-ending fairytale that will never come to pass, at least not in this lifetime. I am the bottom of the barrel, the lowest of the low. I need a plan. I need a way out. I need to see God's face and hear His voice. Oh...and what do I get?....silence. I swear...lately when I have these times with God, which seem so few and far between, you can often hear a pindrop in the room because I don't hear HIM, and this makes me mad. It drives me crazy. God, I just want to hear You. I want to see You. I want to know that You are here, and You are listening to me when I cry out to You. Maybe it doesn't even need to just be when I cry out to You. Just the simple fact of knowing that Your mere existence is always and forever in my life. *Takes a deep breath.*

I feel like I am at a major crossroads. Where do I go? What do I do? Why does it seem that every single door in my life has been closed? I am sick of it all. God, where is Your still, small voice that You talk about in Your Word? Why must life seem so difficult and so hard to figure out? Do I really need to have all of the answers?....right now? Ugh. Earlier tonight, I came to an end. I buried my face in my hands, and I began to weep. I said, "God, You must not be real. I know You don't love me, and You certainly don't care. You are fake. You must be....You must be..."

I want bliss. I want a new beginning. I want the reassurance that everything is going to be okay. I am sick of slamming myself into these huge ass walls all of the time. What am I doing wrong? Does God hate me that much? Well, it's how I feel anyway. Is bliss real or just something people enjoy talking about but never really achieve it? Whatever it is....I just want to experience it.

I Is Tired

Wow, the past couple of days have been so rough. There is so much spiritual warfare going on here. It's been crazy. Ugh, I hate it. I am not feeling very inspired to write these past few days. Maybe I am just tired or lazy or something. I really should journal more. There are a lot of things I should do more of. Anyway, I had a great time of prayer today. God really touched my heart and ministered to me regarding some heaviness that I have been carrying. I haven't been extremely obedient lately with regards to God's prompting to pray about specific people. So, He really prompted me today. He showed me that as I pray for them and stand into he gap for them, that I am "carrying their heaviness" in a sense. Yuck, I have to work at 9 am. It's not the work part as much as it is me just being sleepy. God has shown me so much these past couple of weeks in the midst of all this stuff going on around me and in my own life. This pruning thing is not easy, nor is it pleasant, but I know that it is necessary. I had a cool night tonight. I hung out at the hostel with my friend, Pat, who I met through my friend, Tara. We had a pretty interesting convo. I enjoy talking to open-minded people. I think I myself even fall into the trap at times of being closed-minded. It's a vicious trap to fall into. I was talking to a girl here named Amanda, and she and I had this great convo about prayer tonight. I feel like I never make God a priority in my life, and I know I do not spend enough time with Him. I desire to have a deeper relationship with Him, and this can only happen through prayer and spending time in His presence. So, the other day I was asked to take a leadership position here at the staff house. I will be the leader and coordinator for the prayer, intercession, and worship. I am really excited about it because that is my passion. I am really hoping that God will give me song lyrics. It's really been on my heart to write, but nothing is flowing yet. Maybe I just need not look for it and allow the Spirit of God to guide me. Anyway, I am tired, and I need to go to bed. I will be sure to give more of an update tomorrow or something.

Night,
Jess <><

Rain, Rain, Go Away....

I really wish it would stop raining. I mean, I like rain, but the rain and then no rain crap is dumb. I am feeling a bit tense right now. Marga and I just got back from shopping a bit to get things we needed. I didn't buy anything. I just hate seeing so many girls who "doll" themselves up so much. It makes me feel so plain and sometimes question my own looks. I hate comparing myself to other girls, but I know I am not alone in this struggle. If Marga weren't with me, I would have walked right back out of there. It's such a temptation, too, to want to buy new clothes to "feel more beautiful." Ugh! Thank God that He gave me the strength to NOT buy a thing! Man, I guess I am tense about other things too. God has been burdening my heart last night and today to pray for someone who I particularly do not want to pray for, but I know I should be praying for...make sense? I know I need to be obedient, and God told me "not to throw a hissy fit" about it and just do it. I was semi-obedient last night, but my attitude about it sucked, so now He is bothering me again with it today...*sigh* I am going to go hang out with my bro, Danny, tonight. It should be fun. Hopefully, this rain will let up a bit so we can go out and have a good time. Not sure what we're going to exactly do seeing as we are both lacking dinero at this time...haha! That's a whole other thing. I am really at a point of really needing to trust God completely for my finances. Everyone has been telling me that God is going to provide, and I believe it, but I just need to allow His promises to sink into my heart. He truly is a faithful God, and I know that He has called me here to Amsterdam, and because He has called me here, knowing full well about the bills and things I have, that He will provide everything. I just need to trust Him. Trust is not and has never been an easy thing for me. I am certainly growing, but it is definitely an ongoing process. God is really doing a work in me regarding discipline too. I am always reminded of that verse in Lamentations where it talks about the youth submitting to the yoke of the Lord's discipline...what a difficult lesson to learn. I think there is a song that says something about not praising God nearly enough. Man, I am definitely guilty of that one. Thank God for His sufficient grace. I think many times I am way too hard on myself. I don't know. I am just glad that I am in a place where I can confess my sucky attitude, BUT also not just sit there and be pissy, but actually get off of my duff and do something about it. So....I am going to pray, worship, and decorate my room now...and maybe take a nap too... :)

A Month in Amsterdam

So yeah, I have been here a month now in Amsterdam. Being here has truly changed my life. Gosh, I don't even know where to star or what to say. Prolly cuz I am really tired right now, so bear with me. Life here is so amazing. GOD is amazing! The things He has done and continues to do in my life is just awesome. I have never been so happy in my life. Each day is just a new opportunity for me to praise Him, and I am blessed. Soooo blessed! I have been so many wonderful people here at the Shelter. People from all over the world. I would list them all, but there are like 40 of us. It has been so sad seeing people leave here, but I know that this is a factor of life. People come and go in our lives. People change. I am changing. I remember this summer when God spoke to me about getting disciplined in Him. Man....It's definitely happening. He really has been teaching me a lot lately. The first week at the Shelter was difficult but good. I was attacked spiritually so much with things going on, and I almost got to the point of wondering if this is where I am supposed to be. That thought lasted for about a second. Then, I realized that I AM supposed to be here, and this is the reason WHY I am getting attacked so much. The stupid devil doesn't want me here. Well, I could care less whether or not he or anyone else wants me here because I know that God has an awesome plan and purpose for me to be there, and it is already showing in my life. Healing is really taking place. Sunday was one of the most amazing days for me. I told God that even if Sunday was the only reason why He brought me to Amsterdam, then I am more than blessed. Sunday was a day of real healing and breakthrough for me. I went to church in the morning at this awesome church callefd Maranatha, which is a predominantly black church. The service is in Dutch, but some songs are in English, and they also have English translators for the service. It was my second time attending this church. The worship blew me away. I really enjoy singing worship songs in Dutch. It's helping me learn the language, which is one of my goals to accomplish during my time here. It's going a bit slower than planned, but I'll get there! Anyway, during worship, God spoke to me about a few things. Then, this woman did some special music, and the first song she sang was almost exactly what God had just spoken to me about during worship. It was so cool. The message was very much an evangelistic message by a guest speaker who I think is from the states, but it was great and encouraging. After church, I came home, and me and Samgar were singing worship songs....Jason Upton, of course...hehehe! Then, he just said, "Let's just worship God." So we just sang and worshipped the Lord. Well, the Spirit of God came in the room so powerfully. He began singing prophetically into my life. Then, Maria came and prayed with me, and I began to ball my eyes out. God was speaking through her. So much healing occurred during this time. God was speaking to me, and I just felt like this flushing go through my body like He was removing all of the hurt and pain from broken relationships, childhood stuff, etc. It was amazing. I seriously feel like a whole new person. I can't even describe how much God has changed my life. I am still in awe that He has called me here to minister to His people. I have been some great people from all over the world and have established some great friendships that will last for a very long time. Gosh, I should have been blogging much sooner than now. I am a nerd for not doing that! Haha! I love to write, and often, I get thinkin so much, and there is so much I want to put into words, and I get too lazy or busy with other things that this becomes secondary. I guess it goes back to the discipline thing. I seriously want to write a book, maybe about my life...ya know, my testimony. We shall see. I love to write. It is so liberating. I find myself getting into the Word of God more and praying more, which has been giving me more inspiration to write song lyrics again. I am really excited about this. My roommate, Marga, and I are planning on leading worship at the Cleft one of these days, which will be cool. Granted I can't play an instrument, but I do love to sing. I don't have the greatest voice, but I know God is blessed when I sing His praises. Actually, worship sounds good right about now...so until next time...