Holy crap! I cannot believe it is already 2011. I also cannot believe that I am actually taking the time to blog. I am writing to you from my husband's work laptop since mine is currently at the computer doctor. I was going to wait until I got my laptop back to write, but then I figured I should do it now...New Year's Day...before I forget (again), and I just don't do it anymore. My friend, Krysten, had suggested to me before that I should blog more so here is my attempt to get off on the right track in 2011. Here goes nothin'...
2010...what can I say? What a life-changing year! Guido and I became parents! Our son, Jaydon Daniel, is by far thee most amazing blessing in 2010 and beyond. He is so much more than I could ever ask for, pray for, hope for. He is a child who is full of joy and just lights up the room with his smile and giggles. I love him so much I can't even stand it. Having him in my world has changed me a lot...and I love it. I just cannot believe that he is now 8 months old. One year ago, I was feeling his active little self moving around in my belly, playing football in there, kicking like crazy, or something to that effect. Now he is here with us...living, breathing, making messes, babbling away, moving about, and more. It's so surreal. I never knew what I truly signed up for when becoming a mom, but man is it amazing! I could go on and on.
Let's see...what else happened in 2010? Well, I feel like it's just zapped right by. I'd like to tell you that I grew immensely in my walk with God, I grew closer to my husband, I learned more about myself, and more. These things are perhaps true (hope so!), but all in all...I am still me. Whatever that means. This was my last full year of being in my 20's. I have no idea as to why this is freaking me out so much, and why I am randomly bringing it up. It's probably because of lack of sleep at the moment. Haha. I guess part of me feels like I have missed out on something in my 20's. I don't know what, how, or why. I guess maybe because I have endured so much heartache during my 20's that I feel like I missed out on so many things that others in this age range have or are accomplishing in their lives. There are lots of reasons why things in my life didn't go as planned, but I am learning more and more that those things certainly are not useless in my life. God has a purpose in everything good and bad. We can blame Him for causing this or that, but whatever. The fact of the matter is that He can and does use it all for His glory and for our benefit. It's all opportunity to draw closer to Him in the midst of the storms, the sunny days, and the overcast skies.
Now...onto 2011. Thanks for sneaking up on me! Haha! I will admit that I had a little bit of anxiety last night while waiting for the time to switch to midnight. I had this feeling of "Okay, let's just get on with it already!" I don't know why I had this anxiety, but I think some of it has to do with change. I don't do so well with change. Never have, but I hope that changes. Oxymoron much? I feel this burden or responsibility to press forward into this new calendar year, let go of the past, leave it there, and just live. Why is THAT so difficult? You got me swingin'. If you've got an answer for me, I'd love to hear it. Seriously.
All in all, I need to really learn more how to love myself. I think what holds me back from receiving love from others (God, husband, family, friends, perfect strangers) is that I don't first love myself enough. It's a self-worth thing or lack thereof. Definitely an area of prayer for me this next year. I want to and need to become more comfortable and confident in my own skin. I need to look in the mirror like that little girl, Jessica, and say...I am beautiful, everything and everyone is great, etc. That kiddo surely inspires me! Children are such a blessing and so full of wisdom beyond their years. God is good in how He speaks through his little kids. I love it. I'm definitely looking forward to the witty things my little guy will say once he can talk. If he is anything like his mother, I am sure he will have a lot to say about anything and everything!
Anyway...back on subject. Oye ve. I will be 30 this year. I am really a grown woman, a wife, a mother, but I am a woman. I am not a young girl. I am not a child. I am in some ways (depending on your point of view), but I am a woman. I am confident, beautiful, loving, gracious, and free. I am great because He is great, and He doesn't make junk. I am beautiful because He is beautiful, and I am made in His image. Right? Gosh, I feel like I could write a self-help book. Wow. Sometimes I feel like I owe people an explanation about just about everything in my life that is happening, has happened, or may even happen. Why? Let it go. Live one day at a time. Love courageously. Just. be. me. This is my goal for 2011. I want to truly discover who "me" is in this next year and live according to my identity and destiny in Christ Jesus to the absolute fullest without holding back. I challenge you to do the same.
Much love, and a very blessed and Happy New Year!
Cheers to 2011!!