Thursday, June 17, 2010

Where to Begin

That is THEE question. Where does one begin when it's been like 9 months or more since this blog has been updated. So much has happened in my life, and I have so many thoughts racing through my mind that I am just dying...okay well not DYING, but you know what I mean..."dying" to share. Then again, some of the things I want to share on here are scary for me to bring up as a lot of it has to do with the past and reflecting on things as I look back and also think about how those situations in my life have helped to shape who I am today. I guess that's the whole point of being transparent though, right? Oh, and the supernatural part is God assisting me to be real with myself and others cuz I sure need Him to be able to do that sometimes!

The biggest and most exciting news is that I gave birth on April 29th, 2010 to a wonderful, healthy, amazing baby boy named Jaydon Daniel. He is such a joy, and I am still in awe that he is now a part of our lives and we get to keep him! haha. He is such a little personality already at just 7 weeks. I am learning quickly that motherhood is one of the most amazing yet challenging experiences that a woman can go through in her life. It is so rewarding, and I wouldn't change anything for the world. I love my little guy, and I am so proud of him. He is such a joy, and I am so excited to be a part of his life as it unfolds according to God's plan and the destiny laid out for little JD.

Becoming a mother changes you for sure. DUH! That's a no-brainer. But really. I am changed forever now. God is speaking to me a lot through this whole parenting thing, especially helping me to reflect on the relationship I have had with my parents growing up. I won't get too much into that now, but just to say that it wasn't and isn't easy is one of the understatements of the century. I find myself reflecting on my childhood and how I want to do things differently for my son. I want him to know how much I love him, how valuable and priceless he is to me and to his father, but especially to the Lord. I want Jaydon to know that nothing is impossible with God, and his destiny is secure in Him. Sometimes I feel like I am so hard on myself because I feel like I don't express these things to Jaydon enough. Maybe I need to tell him I love him more...maybe I need to hug and kiss him more...maybe I need to pray over his life and read the Word of God to him more...the list goes on.

I guess one of my greatest fears is that I will continue to be a product of my environment aka my childhood, family life, past experiences, etc., and that this will infiltrate into Jaydon's life...bringing him heartache, pain, and brokenness. I am not perfect, nowhere near 100% healed from all of the junk of the past, but I do love my child, and I want the very best for him. I am trying hard everyday to give him a great life, but maybe I am putting so much pressure on myself that I find myself beginning to crash a little bit and give into the old mindsets and patterns that I have learned to consider "normal" throughout my life.

That all said, praise God for the grace He sheds on a parent each and every day to raise his or her child to the best that he or she knows how...whether we accept it or not. That's another question. I love God so much, and I am so thankful that He is in my life. I don't know what I would do without Him. I mean...who would I have to thank for all the most amazing and wonderful blessings in my life...for helping my dreams to come true, and so much more. I've got a great Daddy God, and I love it. I just wish I could tear down the wall that keeps holding me back in certain areas of my life and keeps Him and others at a "safe" distance.

I could give you a list of people, situations, and times in my life that still hold me back. I am finding more and more as I look into the spiritual mirror that I live this life of insecurity and regret. Let's talk about my childhood, my divorce, my time in college, my Shelter days...the list goes on. If I was only _____back then or if I didn't _____ back then...blah blah blah. You get what I mean. Actually, I have been thinking about blogging specifically about each thing, one by one, to pinpoint some things because I think people need to hear it maybe...?? Then again, I always second guess myself because I begin to think..."What do I have to prove, and who do I have to prove it to by explaining myself?" Ahh...the vicious cycle.

I wish I would just stop giving a crap about what people think about me, trying to meet others' expectations and just begin KNOWING who I am as a woman and as a daughter of the Most High King. Period. Closed book. End of story. If only it were THAT easy....

1 comment:

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