Tuesday, January 13, 2015

In the here and now

Well, it's been a horribly long time since I last wrote.  So much has happened in life in the past year or more.  I will get into that more another time perhaps.  But here I am...in the here and the now.  This is where I am at.

2014 proved to be quite a whirlwind of a year for me personally but also for us as a family.  We definitely had a bunch of ups and downs in various areas, but God proved Himself faithful through each and every test, trial, and circumstance.  I am forever thankful for Him...just everything about Him.  Ahhh!  But here we are now in 2015 already!  I am in my 33rd year of life, and lately I feel like an 80 year old some days while an 18 year old on other days.  Life is fun and always an adventure.

We were blessed that Guido was able to take about 2 and a half weeks off from work during the holidays so we could enjoy some time together as a family but also have some personal down time individually to reflect, dream, explore, and so on.  This time was so precious for us both as we closed out last year and began this new calendar year.  I had been dealing with a writer's block for so freaking long.  I cannot even begin to tell you how frustrating it had become for me.  Because, maybe something you don't know about me is that I love to write.  I love to put my thoughts down on paper, or, as in this case, on the computer.  I need an outlet to get all of the ideas, dreams, thoughts, and goals out of my system.  But moreso, I longed to write for so long just to write.  To write stories, song lyrics, poetry, and other ideas that have been swirling around in my mind for as long as I can remember.  And finally...FINALLY!!  It happened.

It's so funny how God speaks to me.  Over the last few months, He has given me so many crazy, vivid, detailed dreams.  I could be hanging out with my kids, cooking dinner, or even using the bathroom, and BOOM!  Great ideas!  A new song melody, a new project, etc...you get the point.  But the funniest place that God has been speaking to me for years is while I shower.  I still wonder to this day as to why, but I kind of think it's because I am in a vulnerable place in a sense and maybe am just more open to hearing and actively listening to His voice during this time.  I've always looked forward to taking showers, but I love them even more now.  Haha!  Many times, I would find myself humming those new melodies, and I would have to rush to my phone after my shower to get it on the voice recorder before I would lose it.  Or I would scramble to find my journal so I could write down as much of the lyrics or other ideas before it would leave my memory.

So yeah, now you're probably wondering what I am writing about.  I will share more details as I continue to work on this new stuff.  I am excited about it though.  Some of you may know that I have been taking singing lessons for over 2 years now, and I also began piano lessons last September.  My teacher is a really cool, young guy, and we have great conversations.  He and I have been discussing about what my goals are musically, and we touched upon it again at my lesson last night.  From the beginning, I set a new challenge for myself.  And this would include not being afraid to "be dark." Well, what does that mean exactly?  For me personally, it means that I am not afraid to go to the dark places of my life, be it ugly moments of my past or things that I am currently struggling with and working through some of those things with music as my tool or medium.  I am learning to be more and more real and honest with myself, to be more present in where I am at in my life, and also to explore which areas of my life where ugliness or darkness still lies and where healing and restoration still needs to take place.  I am learning to be more self-confident and more vulnerable.  I am learning healthier boundaries in all relationships as well as to love and accept myself more and more each day.  This is definitely not an easy process, but it's just that:  a process.

I feel that everyone is entitled to this process.  I mean, isn't that what this journey called 'life' is all about anyway?  We're all a work-in-progress, and it's those of us who choose to face ourselves who can be deemed 'courageous' in my book.  But anyway.  This is where I am at right now.  I am in a good place.  A place of rest and reflection.  A season of hiding myself away a bit, and I am enjoying every moment of it.  So cheers to this new year.  Bring it on!  I am ready for new adventure.

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