2016 Reflections...and hopes for 2017

So I am sitting here on the couch while watching the Top 2000 music countdown and thinking about all that has happened this past year.  I honestly don't even know where to begin.  Maybe my Belgian brown beer will help give me some inspiration.  It's supposed to increase milk supply anyway...haha.

This past year has been met with lots of joy as well as sadness, lots of moving forward while feeling like I have taken 3 steps back, lots of challenges, spiritually, physically, emotionally, and relationally.  I have honestly learned so much...so much about myself, God, and others.  As difficult as this year was at times, I am thankful for every trial I've walked through.  It's helped me to grow and mature as a person, a woman, a wife, a mother, a daughter, and a friend.

We started out 2016 in our new house that we had just moved into one month before.  That whole situation was one big stressful drama, but we made it.  After all kinds of setbacks as well as having to move twice within 2 weeks time, we survived.  In fact, we overcame.  It was refreshing to start out a new year in a new place where lots of new beginnings would be birthed.  The kids have surely adjusted well.  Guido did too.  It was me who continued to have my reservations about this place.  I wasn't easily sold and just had a hard time seeing the bigger picture, the potential,  all that could become in this house.  But it happened.  This house became a home for us.  This place grew on me, and now I actually really enjoy living here.  We've done a ton of work to personalize our home, and we're nowhere near finished.  But hey, we've come a long way, and I am proud of how much we were able to accomplish in such a short period of time.  If only the money grew on trees since we have a bunch of those in our garden.  Ah well.  I am especially proud of Guido and all that he has done to develop our home into what we dream of.  I wasn't an easy person to deal with when it came to the renovations, but he survived.  WE survived, and our house is looking better and better all of the time.
After somewhat of a long journey of doubt, fear, and uncertainty, it happened.  The thing we weren't sure we could handle.  The thing we weren't sure we wanted, needed, or thought would ever even happen.  But it did.  After I finally surrendered my heart, my feelings, my desires, my everything to the Lord, it happened.  Dylan Asher happened.  Oh my, what an adventure.  This was a tough one.  The pregnancy was met with all kinds of struggles, including some medical stuff as well as dealing with depression and anxiety that I had never experienced during my other two pregnancies.  It was so so hard.  I second guessed myself in just about every area of my life during this time.  I was faced with some harsh realities regarding my own upbringing which also became a mirror for me regarding my role as a mother to my own children.  Do I have what it takes?  Can I be everything that they want, need, and deserve?  I asked myself this question so often, probably a million times a day.  Let's face it.  I was scared.  I was scared to start all over again.  I mean, I turned 35 years old this year.  Verah had turned 4 and started elementary school and here I was going back to the beginning.  I almost felt selfish for questioning it all, but now I know that it's normal and even healthy to do so.  I felt like I was going crazy at times so I took the initiative to go see a psychiatric nurse at the hospital in order to make sure I was getting the support I needed during this time.  Just that one conversation changed it all for me.  The nurse was a man probably in his 60's or so.  He was honest, kind, and seasoned.  He listened to me...really listened.  He encouraged me that I wasn't crazy nor was I suffering from clinical depression or anything like that.  The psychiatrist confirmed all of that, and they both agreed that I was dealing more with life phase questions.  It clicked.  It all made sense.  I finally could cross that bridge and have some much-needed peace in my heart and mind.

Finally, we were reaching the end of the pregnancy.  I couldn't wait to have that physical relief and just meet our son.  We were pretty shocked, by the way, to be having another boy.  We both thought we were having another girl.  I was so shocked that I had asked the ultrasound technician to show us again during the 20-week ultrasound that it indeed is a boy.  I had been listening to this awesome soaking CD for the week or so leading up to Dylan's birth.  It's called, "Childbirth in the Glory." It's awesome, powerful, and encouraging.  There was a part that stood out to me both before Dylan's birth as well as when I was in labor with him.  Hebrews 11:4 says something about laboring in order to enter into rest.  Well, Dylan's birthday is 11/4 (November 4th) so this scripture became very special and profound to me.  God began speaking to me about how we have laboring for years, and that this was a time of transition to enter into a new season...a season of REST!  Hallelujah!  Music to my ears!  Haha!  This also came shortly after Guido and I celebrated 8 years of marriage at the end of October.  The number "8" means "new beginnings" so this made so much sense to both of us.  One season has come to a close, and we're entering a new season full of amazing things for us all individually, as a couple, and also as a family.

We've gone through so much with our children this past year.  Lots of transition for us all, and we've seen first-hand how much the move as well as other factors have played in Jaydon and Verah's lives.  Jaydon went through several trials at his old school, and it was heartbreaking.  Verah had a good start at the old school, and she was sad to leave.  Things seemed so uncertain, especially with Jaydon.  It all seemed unclear, and I was scared to let go and walk yet again into unfamiliar territory.  But I trusted my husband's leading, and we decided to change schools.  God totally orchestrated it all, and just like that, the kids both had a place in the new school after the summer vacation.  After such a rough start at elementary school for Jaydon, he's finally enjoying school and thriving!  He has two wonderful teachers who really support him as well as new friends in an environment where he finally feels safe to be himself.  Verah also has great teachers and a bunch of new besties.  She is doing great, and really enjoys going to school.  We're so blessed and so proud of these two.  We love how the school is not even a 10-minute walk from our doorstep, and our kids can grow up and go to school with the other kids in the neighborhood.  They love our home, and they finally have the space to run and be free...free to explore and just be who they are...kids!

I cannot even begin to share my thoughts and perhaps even opinions regarding all of the stuff that's happened in the world this past year.  But my gosh!  What a year!  My heart is broken over so many things that are out of my control, and I am honestly just feeling tired and helpless a lot of times.  I wish I could reach out and save every child who needs a home, a mommy, a hug, and just to be loved.  All of this while doubting my capabilities of even being a good parent to my own children.  The delivery of Dylan was rough, especially at the end.  The first weeks were such a challenge, and this really made me question myself and if I could truly handle being a mom of three kids.  But they, they're 3 amazing kids.  Who wouldn't want to be their mommy?  And here I have the honor of being that one special person who carried them, birthed, them, and now gets to raise them along with their daddy.  It's a humbling experience.  And the answer to prayers and have come and continue to happen.  After the rough starts, our kids are thriving.  They're settled, growing, thriving, living life with such joy.  And this brings Guido and I much joy too.

So with all of that randomness, I guess I am thinking about what my hopes and dreams are for 2017.  I could totally make this lame New Year's resolution list, but I know myself.  It'd be broken within the first hours or days of the new year so why even bother.  What I do know is that I want to continue to be awesome and grow into even more awesomeness...as a woman, wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend.  I want to continue to learn more to love genuinely and not be so judgmental.  I want to grow in my relationship with God and not be afraid to ask the hard questions...and also not feel guilty for doing so.  I am seriously so over Christians guilt-tripping one another over one's doubts and struggles when it comes to faith.  Faith is such a personal, unique journey for each person, and we're all entitled to explore this journey without condemnation.  That's what I think anyway.  I want to fall more in love with my husband and kids than I am, enjoy this season of my life where my main focus is resting, exploring who I am, liking myself, celebrating my giftings and callings, and learning to be content with breathing even if that's all that I have accomplished on any given day.  I am done being afraid of being 35 and growing older.  I admire my husband's joy and pride in turning 40 just a couple of weeks ago.  He's excited about what the present and future hold for him and for us.  I am too.  I just wish I was a bit more bold sometimes.  I guess I should be careful what I wish for though.  It might come true.

So, here's to 2016.  Thank you for all that you've taught me about myself, God, and other.  Thank you for all of the trials and tribulations as well as the life-changing moments that have brought me some of the greatest joy in my life.  Thank you for bringing me 8 years of marriage and another son to share in our crazy life.  Thank you for allowing me to look at others close to me, though they may be far in physical distance, with another set of eyes which have helped me to put things in the right perspective, though it hurts my heart at times.  I appreciate you, 2016.  You've been a core year, one of foundations strengthning which allow of the continued bulding upon with greater things to come.

And 2017, I welcome you.  I look forward to the journey as I continue to look and the mirror and learn more and more to actually like what I see.  I look forward to turning 36, which is getting closer to 40, and I take pride in actually growing up with good music and without the internet and knowing that I still survived.  I do hope to grow in sarcasm and wit, and I sure as well hope that my wine closet expands more than my waistline.  In fact, I don't want my waistline to expand at all...so there's that.  I hope to find my people this next year and get established in a community.  I choose to enter this new year with thankfulness and gratitude for all that's been and all that's to come.  Let's go.  Bring it on.

In the here and now

Well, it's been a horribly long time since I last wrote.  So much has happened in life in the past year or more.  I will get into that more another time perhaps.  But here I am...in the here and the now.  This is where I am at.

2014 proved to be quite a whirlwind of a year for me personally but also for us as a family.  We definitely had a bunch of ups and downs in various areas, but God proved Himself faithful through each and every test, trial, and circumstance.  I am forever thankful for Him...just everything about Him.  Ahhh!  But here we are now in 2015 already!  I am in my 33rd year of life, and lately I feel like an 80 year old some days while an 18 year old on other days.  Life is fun and always an adventure.

We were blessed that Guido was able to take about 2 and a half weeks off from work during the holidays so we could enjoy some time together as a family but also have some personal down time individually to reflect, dream, explore, and so on.  This time was so precious for us both as we closed out last year and began this new calendar year.  I had been dealing with a writer's block for so freaking long.  I cannot even begin to tell you how frustrating it had become for me.  Because, maybe something you don't know about me is that I love to write.  I love to put my thoughts down on paper, or, as in this case, on the computer.  I need an outlet to get all of the ideas, dreams, thoughts, and goals out of my system.  But moreso, I longed to write for so long just to write.  To write stories, song lyrics, poetry, and other ideas that have been swirling around in my mind for as long as I can remember.  And finally...FINALLY!!  It happened.

It's so funny how God speaks to me.  Over the last few months, He has given me so many crazy, vivid, detailed dreams.  I could be hanging out with my kids, cooking dinner, or even using the bathroom, and BOOM!  Great ideas!  A new song melody, a new project, etc...you get the point.  But the funniest place that God has been speaking to me for years is while I shower.  I still wonder to this day as to why, but I kind of think it's because I am in a vulnerable place in a sense and maybe am just more open to hearing and actively listening to His voice during this time.  I've always looked forward to taking showers, but I love them even more now.  Haha!  Many times, I would find myself humming those new melodies, and I would have to rush to my phone after my shower to get it on the voice recorder before I would lose it.  Or I would scramble to find my journal so I could write down as much of the lyrics or other ideas before it would leave my memory.

So yeah, now you're probably wondering what I am writing about.  I will share more details as I continue to work on this new stuff.  I am excited about it though.  Some of you may know that I have been taking singing lessons for over 2 years now, and I also began piano lessons last September.  My teacher is a really cool, young guy, and we have great conversations.  He and I have been discussing about what my goals are musically, and we touched upon it again at my lesson last night.  From the beginning, I set a new challenge for myself.  And this would include not being afraid to "be dark." Well, what does that mean exactly?  For me personally, it means that I am not afraid to go to the dark places of my life, be it ugly moments of my past or things that I am currently struggling with and working through some of those things with music as my tool or medium.  I am learning to be more and more real and honest with myself, to be more present in where I am at in my life, and also to explore which areas of my life where ugliness or darkness still lies and where healing and restoration still needs to take place.  I am learning to be more self-confident and more vulnerable.  I am learning healthier boundaries in all relationships as well as to love and accept myself more and more each day.  This is definitely not an easy process, but it's just that:  a process.

I feel that everyone is entitled to this process.  I mean, isn't that what this journey called 'life' is all about anyway?  We're all a work-in-progress, and it's those of us who choose to face ourselves who can be deemed 'courageous' in my book.  But anyway.  This is where I am at right now.  I am in a good place.  A place of rest and reflection.  A season of hiding myself away a bit, and I am enjoying every moment of it.  So cheers to this new year.  Bring it on!  I am ready for new adventure.

Our New "Reality"

First of all, my sincere apologies for not writing sooner.  Once I explain why I haven't done so, I am sure you will forgive me...(one can always hope, right?)  It's been a long past few months with lots of ups and downs in life, and I honestly was just too tired and couldn't really get my thoughts together to actually focus on typing out a blog.  However, I figured that since we've had some pretty big things happening in our little family, it only makes sense to update you all with what's going on.

Before I get to the main thing I want to share, let me just say that we're blessed.  2013 has been a great year for us so far in the midst of trials and tribulations that have come our way.  The Lord has been and continues to be faithful in carrying us through everything we endure on a daily basis, and I am forever thankful.  Guido and I have been doing a lot of dreaming this year as we've both felt the Lord telling us that 2013 is the year that He is making our dreams come true.  While I won't get into details just yet, let me just say that some exciting things have been and continue to happen for us.  It's just rad.

Now onto the main reason for writing this post.  For those of you who know me personally, I may or may not have shared that I have been struggling with some real physical issues for several months now.  Between major pain in my hands to the point of not being able to use them to shooting pains throughout my body to migraines to lack of sleep to a million other things...and so on and so forth.  You get the picture.  It wasn't pretty.  I really thought I was headed towards a burnout last year.  It was Sinterklaas evening (December 5th) when reality finally hit.  Guido and I had had a conversation that evening about how I had been struggling for a few months now, and so we made the decision together for me to see our family physician.  At the appointment, I explained my symptoms and the doctor agreed that I was probably overdoing it and needed to rest more.  He also had me start physical therapy on a weekly basis in order to help strengthen my body.  Some time went on, I was going to my therapy session, and I realized that I wasn't feeling better.  Sure...I had some good days with much less pain, but most of the time I suffered...A LOT.  I wasn't sleeping well, and I also began having constant and very intense migraines that I could hardly bear.

With all of this going on, I contacted my doctor again.  I was given a referral to see a neurologist, especially because I was having feelings of numbness and also some blurred vision, along with the other symptoms that were already there and even began intensifying.  At that appt., it was determined that there was nothing wrong with me neurologically, as I was told by the specialist.  Well thanks.  Good to know, but that STILL doesn't explain what's been going on with my body for the past several months.  So I went back to the family physician yet again.  He explained to me that the neurologist mentioned that he thinks I may have fibromyalgia, and my doctor agreed.  So I then received a referral to see a rheumatologist.

Fast forward to last week Monday.  I went to the appointment, spoke with the rheumatologist, and he did a full examination.  He told me what I pretty much already knew.  "There is a very large chance that you have fibromyalgia." He gave me paperwork to get blood work done in order to rule out any other possible cause for what's been going on.  I will get that done next week, and then I will go back to see him in May to discuss further the results and more about treatment and such.

So there you have it.  Fibromyalgia.  I had heard of the word before, but I had absolutely no idea what it entailed.  After my family doctor mentioned it to me and explained briefly about why he and the neurologist believe I have it, I began doing a little research of my own before my rheumatologist appointment in order to help me understand what we're dealing with here.  I've read a lot so far, and Guido has also read some things.  We both agreed that it makes absolute and total sense as far as what I have been dealing with the months now.  And come to think of it, it explains things I have dealt with my entire life.  It could very well be that this thing has acted a bit dormant most of my life and was triggered by something sometime last year.  Who knows.  I guess I will learn more about that at my next appointment with the rheumatologist.

This word in our house has become our new "reality." Yes, I am using quotation marks.  Why?  Because, despite the fact that I most likely have this chronic illness NOW, it does not mean I will have it forever.  We, as a family, have made the decision to fully trust God in this journey and believe Him wholeheartedly for full healing and restoration from this.  I do not believe that the Lord has inflicted me with this in any way, but I DO believe that He can and WILL use this for His glory in order to encourage and bring healing to others through the testimony in my life.  That's my heart's desire.

I'll be honest.  I struggle everyday.  I have some days that I wish I could just stay in bed because of the pain and the exhaustion.  With this, I have experienced periods of great anxiety as well, and it's just plain hard.  I am a woman with goals and dreams, I am a wife and a mother, and I have to make a daily decision to wake up and get out of bed and make the most of my day with my husband, kids, and anyone else who I cross paths with.  I refuse to feel sorry for myself or let others feel sorry for me.  I do need support and encouragement from family and friends.  You don't have to fully understand how it feels to endure something like this, but I trust that you will love me through it anyway and be supportive.  And I appreciate you more than you will ever know.

So now we wait.  We wait for the next appt. with the rheumatologist to get the official diagnosis and discuss treatment options.  And in the midst of it all, we have been dealing with some medical issues with both of our kids that we will hopefully have more answers for in the coming weeks.  So yeah, it's a lot.  But it's not too much.  Though it feels like it some days, it's not.  We can bear it because Jesus promises us that He will never give us more than we can handle, and He is with us every step of the way.  And I feel pretty okay knowing that and walking this journey together with Him, knowing that I will never have to go it alone. Ever.

Snickers are Good for the Soul...and Amazing Grace!

No seriously.  They are.  After this day from Hades, chocolate is a bit soothing to my soul.  Oh em gee.  Okay, I confess.  I also ate a Twix and a Kit Kat.  But, in my defense, they're all mini candy bars from Christmas.  So there.

Anyway, today was a very challenging day for me.  I woke up feeling a bit "off" after having not have slept so well.  Jaydon was off the wall.  Luckily, Verah was sweet and easy so that was good.  But Jaydon....wow.  This child challenges me to no end.  I feel so dumb as a mom when it comes to him.  I feel like I have no idea how to raise a boy.  I know these challenges are good, and I am learning a lot.  But wow...talk about trials.  I love my son with everything in my being, AND he is quite a kid!  He is 2 and a half so why should I expect anything less than what he is giving out?  It's just been so hard, especially with my health issues and the burnout stuff going on.  My limits are much greater than normal, and I hate it.  I feel like it takes away from my kids because I am not 100% myself right now.  I need to remember, however, that where I am weak, He is strong.  He sustains me.  Ahhh.  Thank God He is God.  Amen?

I also know that things were insane today because yesterday was a great day full of breakthroughs!  From a financial situation being resolved to a nice phone call from my grandma to just a great day with my kids yesterday...resulted in straight up war today.  I should have seen it.  I should have prepared myself.  Well, I can go on and dwell on all of the "shoulda coulda woulda's", but that won't get me anywhere.  The point is that at least I can look back and reflect on the situation now AND be thankful.  Trials are not fun.  Pruning, growth, etc. is just not fun.  Necessary but totally not fun.  And I am in the midst of it.  Oy and vey.

Thankfully, I was able to attend my singing lesson this evening.  My teacher is great!  She is a young woman from Spain who attends a music conservatorium here in NL...which also means my lessons are in English!  Hallelujah!  Haha.  We did some warm-up, and then she asked me to pick out another song to work on.  Well, I picked another worship song.  This one is called "This is Amazing Grace" by Jeremy Riddle, and it's on Bethel Music's new CD, "For the Sake of the World." I love this song.  It speaks to my heart.  I just love the lyrics.  His amazing grace.  Wow.  My favorite line talks about God turning an orphan into a son or daughter.  This line speaks to me more than you know.  Why?  Because God showed me the other day that I have an orphan spirit.  I do not live as the daughter He calls me, but as a lost, abandoned orphan.  Wow.  That hit me like a ton of bricks.  But the breakthrough that is coming forth since receiving that word from the Lord has been wonderful.  It's still a process, of course, but it's wonderful to look back and see how His hand has always been and continues to be on my life.  His amazing grace.  Wow.  I am His daughter.  This is good stuff.

I know my blog tonight is completely random.  I am cold, tired, and I should have been in bed an hour and a half ago.  But...I said I would blog so I am trying to stay true to my word.  And it's just good to get things out in words, ya know?  Like a cleansing.  I find that when I do this, I can more easily lay things to rest instead of continuing to allow them to plague my mind and keep me worrying, anxious, upset, or whatever emotion is being triggered at the time.  All I know is that there is a battle raging, and we're all in the midst of it.  You, me, everyone.  There will be crapiola days and amazing days.  It's called life.  I am learning that it's just so good and worthwhile to soak up life's lessons that both offer so that we can move forward into all that God has for our lives.

...and with that, I bid you all a very good night!

"This is Amazing Grace" by Jeremy Riddle

Let's Face it, I'm Human

It's true.  Let's just say that we've had a rough day today.  Children whining and crying and just simply off the wall.  Babies cranky and clingy due to teething.  Absolutely disastrous house. Laundry overflowing.  Whiny dog even!  Ahhh!  Yeah.  And this mama didn't respond so well to it all.  You could say I definitely acted out of my own flesh rather than out of the things of the Spirit of God.  I allowed my fears, anxieties, anger, and frustrations get the best of me today.  I am exhausted.  

My day didn't start so well either.  This was simply one of those days that I wish I could have just gone back to bed and start over a couple of hours later.  If only.  My beloved husband kept me up half the night with his snoring and kicking, and I had the worst nightmare ever about Jaydon being shot right in front of me.  It can't get much worse than that.  And to top it all off, Guido's alarm didn't go off this morning for some reason, which made him have less time to get ready and out the door, and I certainly didn't have time or the motivation to shower before he had to leave.  I was simply exhausted and overwhelmed today.  But it's better...

One of the things God has been and continues to work on with me is healing and restoration regarding fear and anger.  I got so frustrated today that I yelled a bit more than I would like to admit, and I acted mostly out of frustration and anger rather than love and grace.  Not cool.  I guess it's good though that I recognize it.  We're all human.  We all have bad days.  Many moms I know are exhausted and can relate.  It's simply not fun, but this too shall pass.  I just do not like how I was today.  I was so tired.  I was so edgy.  Every little thing seemed to irritate me today, and I just couldn't get a grip...and there was a much-needed grip necessary!

But all in all, things ended well.  I was able to shower, my kids were fed well and are sleeping peacefully.  Guido made it on time to work, got groceries for me, and had a decent evening at the church group tonight.  I stayed home because of not feeling well (I have a sort of burnout and become exhausted and overwhelmed very easily).  Jaydon had a great speech therapy appointment today!  His ST is very impressed with his progress, and she says he is doing great!  (Insert "proud mom smile" here)  We ended the evening with saying "I'm sorry", lost of huggies, kissies, raspberries, nosies, and giggles.  Well, Verah didn't giggle so much after Jaydon went upstairs and pulled on her hair or hit her or something right when I was heading up there.  Sigh.  All is good now.  

So why do I beat myself up for bad days?  Well, I am human, but I can't always use that as an excuse.  I have no excuses.  But...I DO have forgiveness.  My kids and husband are more than gracious, and I am thankful that the Lord is too.  I guess the missing component that is all too common for me is forgiving myself.  Ouch.  Not easy to do.  I put so many expectations on myself and seem to think that people do the same.  This only brings out more feeling and thoughts of failure and insecurity, and it causes me to focus on fear rather than what TRUTH says.  I am more than a conqueror.  His mercies are new every morning.  He loves and forgives.  Love endures all things.  I shall know the TRUTH, and the TRUTH shall set me free.  ...and so on.  I really just need to get a much-needed grip and get over it already!  I need to learn to forgive myself AND accept the forgiveness from my husband, children, and the Lord so we can move on in unity, love, and peace.  Easier said than done.  

So I sit here and reflect on this day with a thankful heart for this day shall too pass (It's after midnight...yay!), and tomorrow is a new day full of new hope, life, love, and new opportunities.  With the Lord, my husband, and my kids by my side, I shall bust out some carpe diem action tomorrow...but this time not without coffee AND a few hours of sleep!  

Night all!  ;)

Let's Talk Temper Tantrums

I have a very quick minute while I drink my morning vanilla latte and watch the kiddos play so I thought I might jot down some thoughts that were going through my mind yesterday already.

Let's talk temper tantrums.  Now, as most of you know, I have a son named Jaydon who will be 3 years old in April.  And oh em gee...can he tantrum!  I am thinking this child should win some kind of award for it some days.  Wow.  Just wow.  Anyway, I was thinking yesterday and talking to God about how I want to be a better mom in regards to his tantrums in this next year.  Truth be told, I haven't been the most patient mother on the planet (ever!), especially when it comes to these meltdowns.  I get angry, frustrated, and sometimes I just lose it.  I yell, put him in time out, and I don't think through about how to effectively deal with the situation as often as I should.  You probably get where I am coming from.  Now, I must say that not every single time is a failing attempt at calming him down and getting things back under control, but most times...yikes.  I need to work on it for sure.

So yeah, I was praying and just talking to God.  I had to laugh at His response.  He told me to think about Jaydon's tantrums, and then think about my most common response to them.  (Not so good).  Then think about how we, as people...adults, children, whoever, throw tantrums all of the time with God. "But God, You're not blessing me RIGHT NOW!  You're not giving me the house I want NOW!  I need to get married NOW!  But God, this trial I am going through just is NOT FAIR!  These people in my life are making me crazy!  My job sucks, God!  I need more money!  I want new clothes!" ....and so on.  You get the picture.  When God was showing me this, I got quiet and low.  I mean, how else should one respond when the Lord is showing you how immature and just straight up ridiculous your behavior and actions can be when you don't get what you want when you want it?  Ahhh!

Needless to say, this situation was a bit of a wake-up call for me yesterday.  I could just picture myself saying these things at one time or another and thinking, "Man, I look pretty ridiculous right about now.  I am 31 years old, and I am throwing a fit like my toddler-aged son!" Okay, not REALLY like how Jaydon does with throwing myself on the ground and whatnot, but I am definitely not a happy camper when I don't get my way when I want my way.  I start having feelings of fear, doubt, and just discouragement when things don't go the way I think they should.  I lose faith.  I lose hope.  I forget about LOVE.  I doubt God, I forget His promises, and I allow the enemy to infiltrate my thoughts the way he sees fit.  Ouch.  Major eye opener right here.

I think the major missing link here is trust....or lack thereof.  We get so caught up in our human thinking that we forget that God most times has a better way and a better time frame.  No, God the BEST way and the BEST time frame.  Period.  The Bible talks about this in Isaiah 55 that His ways and His thoughts are much higher and different from ours.  He has everything under control.  He promises to work everything out for our good.  Sometimes we need to just stay put, endure, and trust Him.  We're always in a hurry to get nowhere, it seems.  When we focus so much on the destination, we lose sight of all that God wants to teach us along the journey towards that destination.  However, when our eyes are fixed on Him, we then begin to see just how valuable the life lessons along the journey are, and then the destination becomes of less importance to us.

So, I guess you could say that one of my "goals" this year is to learn to stop throwing temper tantrums about how I think my life needs to look at any given moment and just to start trusting God that He knows better.  He loves us so much and always wants the very best for us.  It's just learning that His best and our best look very different most of the time.  It's about giving up control.  It's about surrender and trust.  It's about letting God in and allowing Him to love me and not always putting my guard up when it comes to things I feel unsure or not so happy about.  I'll get there.  You'll get there.  That's the beauty of it all.  It's actually not about getting "there" at all that's important, but what we learn each step of the way.  God delights in walking this path called life with you.  So just let go, sit back, and enjoy the most amazing ride of your life!  He is with you always.  Amen.

2013: Believe!

So it's officially 2013 now!  Hope you all have had a wonderful new year so far.  We've had a pretty relaxed  day, but tomorrow it's back to the flow.  Guido heads back to work at his brand new job (yay!), and I am home with the kiddos trying to pick up the pieces of what's known as my house after the holiday rush.  The amount of laundry and housework I have to do is ridiculous, and it's overwhelming at times since I am limited with what and how much I can accomplish due to the problems with my hands, back, neck, etc.  It'll get done.  I have a great husband who is willing to help out wherever he can, and his new work hours will only bring more balance to our family that is ever so needed right now.

I have been busy working on this blog, and I am pretty excited about it.  I should have pursued this more actively a long time ago because I always have enough to say so why not write it down...or in this case...type it out?  My hope and prayer is that I can be consistent and also allow myself to become more vulnerable and transparent in a healthy way through this blog.  I admit to be a self-professed slacker, and the fact that I will soon be without a laptop to blog for a couple of weeks won't help matters any.  Ah well.  I have all of you wonderful people to get on my case now and hold me accountable to keep following my dreams.  But ya know, that's not necessarily what this post is about.  It's about me encouraging you (and myself, of course) to BELIEVE!  It's time to really look at our dreams, goals and aspirations and BELIEVE we can and will achieve them!  God is good, and He promises us that He is always with us, always works things out for our good, and gives us the strength to accomplish the things we set our hearts and minds to.

I was in the shower today, and I felt almost bombarded or something with all of these thoughts and ideas for this blog, for this year, and just for my life and family in general.  It's really exciting how God blesses us with such creativity if we will only take the tools that He equips us with and run the race towards the goal, ya know?  Anyway, it hit me.  BELIEVE!  God has given us dreams and aspirations in life.  He has placed us each on a unique journey and holds our destiny in His hands as a great treasure.  That's just how much He loves us.  Okay, so I can write all of this, but the point I am trying to make is that I have to believe it.  You have to believe it.  God believes in us so why do we find it so difficult, if not almost impossible, to believe in ourselves?  Why have we given up on our dreams?  Where is our child-like faith?  God is in a good mood!  He loves to lavish us in His love, blessings, and favor.  As important as our dreams are to us, our dreams are so much MORE important to God!  He created us, and He planted those amazing dreams inside of our hearts.  We now have to question ourselves if we will do our part...co-labor with Him to see to it that these dreams come true!  Sure, God's way, God's timing...listening to the Holy Spirit leading us and guiding us every step of the way.  Absolutely relevant and so important in the process.  Just don't give up, okay?  BELIEVE!  Start journaling again!  Write every single one of those dreams down, big or small, and believe God today to lead and guide you to accomplish each and every one in His way and His timing.

Guido and I wrote dreams down the other day and prayed over them.  We're excited about all that God has in store for us regarding our dreams.  We're also excited that He is equipping us with the skills, faith, confidence, and JOY to see to it that these dreams come true.  God is so good and so faithful.  I love how He loves me more than enough to care just as much as I do, if not more, about even the tiniest dreams, hope, and aspirations that lie down deep in my heart.  How cool is that!?

So...cheers to 2013!  Cheers to a new year filled with love, hope, joy, and dreams coming true!  Stand up, and BELIEVE cuz this is your BEST YEAR YET!

The Script - Hall of Fame ft. will.i.am

The link I posted above is a pretty well-known song these days.  I just love the message of it.  It gets me pumped.  I can do anything!  I can do ALL THINGS through Christ Who strengthens me...and YOU!  So never forget that.  He's got amazing plans for you!  Chase after them, and watch God meet you every step of the way.

Reflections Regarding 2012; Pressing into 2013...A Year of Dreams Come True

Firstly, I should probably apologize for not even paying much attention to my blog in ALMOST TWO YEARS! Shame on me! I love to write and share my thoughts so this is just simply unacceptable. I will do my utmost to write more in 2013. 2012...what a year! It's been quite the whirlwind of memories and life-changing experiences, ups and downs. Though it all, it's been GOOD! I am super blessed! WE are super blessed! To some degree, I think I have some mixed feelings about this year, but I learned so many things about life...about myself, and for that I am truly grateful.

 The bestest moment of 2012 is the birth of our amazing and beautiful daughter, Verah Amarise. She is just such a perfect addition to our sweet little family, and I am so thankful for her precious smile everyday. The pregnancy was hard. Gestational diabetes at the end made is bittersweet, but we made it through. God carried us, and everything turned out okay. Verah was born perfectly healthy and just...well...perfect! To see her and her big brother play together warms my heart. I am so thankful for the amazing little people in my life, and it is such a great honor to call them my kiddos.

 Jaydon...oh boy! He is ALL BOY! Active, energetic, fun, and just full of life! I wish I could tell you that I can keep up with him, but the fact of the matter is...I can't! Haha! Jaydon has taught me a lot this past year, and he challenges me a lot. It's difficult at times but good. Jaydon started school this year, he got a baby sister, and he really is not a baby anymore (though he will always be my baby!). He is such a big boy now! Life can be exhausting and challenging with him at times, especially lately, but overall he is just awesome. I wouldn't change a thing...well, we could do with less tantrums, but ya know. Haha. Jaydon is just so curious about life and every aspect of it, and he makes me wanna be a better mom each day. I love him so much. 

Our marriage saw its ups and downs over this past year...with lots of stressors and whatnot, we became exhausted, frustrated, and just overwhelmed at times, but in the end...we've come out stronger and more in love than ever! I see how God has used these trials in our lives and marriage to draw us not only closer to Him but to each other. It's been quite a ride! It's just so cool to spend your life with someone that you can act silly and dumb with, be a kid again with, be serious with, and just be yourself with...learned to be vulnerable and transparent with your life partner. I've learned a lot about this in recent months. I've also learned to let go more and trust Guido more. My recent health issues and burnout has caused me to have no other choice, and it's really been good for all of us. Guido has really stepped up and done beyond the call of duty to hold our family and household together and pick up the pieces where I couldn't manage. I am so blessed to have him in my life. He is a great man. I love that we have a babysitter now so we can actually have date nights outside of the house! I love that he has taken steps to become even more sexy than he already is with his new wardrobe and style. Hahahaha! (He is going to kill me for writing that, but I don't care cuz it's true.)

 Oh man have I just grown a lot. God's healed my heart a lot. God told me shortly after Verah was born..."Okay, Jess. Now it's time to deal with your stuff." And I have been doing just that. It's not easy. God has allowed and continues to allow me to walk through certain situations that cause me to rely on Him so much more than I ever have before. It's good. Difficult but good. I find that I am becoming more confident in who I am though I still struggle with insecurity more than I would like to admit. I am FINALLY beginning to follow my dreams, and it's awesome! Dabbling in photography a bit more, singing lessons, etc. It's been so grand. Really. I am getting more of a sense of who JESS is...just as JESS, not only as wife, mother, daughter, sister, housekeeper...you get the idea. Relationships have been challenged this year a lot. God is refining me. He is drawing me closer to Him. I am learning more and more just how much HE is the true Source of LIFE in every aspect of my being, and without Him...I am nothing.

 So yeah...2013! A new year! Yeah! I am so curious and excited about what this next year will bring. I am saddened in a way that, as I write this, there are less than 2 hours left of the year in which my daughter was born, but life goes on. Time doesn't stop. I am so looking forward to all that's to come. All that God has in store for me and my wonderful, sweet little family. Guido starts his new job 5 minutes from our home this week! That's been a prayer answered after a couple of years now. God is faithful. My kids are growing, healthy, and vibrant. We have a beautiful home and a wonderful extended family....sometimes difficult to deal with, but we love them just the same. Hahaha! God spoke to me the other day while in the shower (happens A LOT!) about 2013 being the year of dreams coming true. This makes my heart spring with joy. I am thrilled. He has been opening up doors already and blessing me in this area in so many ways. I have all sorts of new ideas, and I am excited about all of the new avenues that He will help me pursue in this next year. I can't to make some great memories with family and loved ones, friends and strangers alike. This next year is going to be great. It's going to be blessed. We're blessed.

 Cheers to 2013 and to Dreams Come True.

Key Word: Passion!

Yep, that's right. Passion is the theme for me this year. I'll explain.

For those of you who don't know, I am involved in a songwriting project with a friend of ours named Pieter. He and I have been writing some pretty good stuff (I think so anyway), and we usually meet every couple of weeks to do this. Well, we met on Monday evening. It was great. We had a great time of worship, prayer, and just being in God's presence. Pieter got an impression from the Lord about being passionate. He said that God was sort of showing him this vision of Him taking you, me, everyone by the hand and running through the forests, going on a great adventure. God wants to show us all of the things He is passionate about and also show us how passionate He is about us. Pieter said that it's so sad how passionate and crazy God is about us, but we don't even come close to expressing our passion about Him. This got me thinking.

Fast forward to yesterday morning...I was in the shower. For whatever reason, God enjoys speaking to me in the shower. I have no idea why, and I can't think of a reason why other than this is a place in which I am somewhat vulnerable. Ahem. Moving on. I began praying in the shower and just talking to God. I love just being real with Him. Just talking to Him like I would talk to the average person is just sometimes so refreshing that He just wants me to be myself with Him. Well, He began to majorly speak to me. He reminded me of what Pieter spoke about the night before, and He said this is for me this next year. The theme for my life is PASSION, and I am to embrace it to the fullest. (No pressure...right). He showed me that I need to be passionate about everything in my life. My relationship with Him, with others, all of the stuff I enjoy doing, all of the things I want to do in my life, and more. He showed me that by being passionate in my life leads to excellence and perseverance. Whoa! Again, no pressure. :) I just took this all in, and now I have been meditating on it all. Wowzers!

So this is where I am at. I want to be passionate in everything I do, in who I am, in who I want to become, in my relationships/friendships, etc. You get the picture. However, the question is "how" I can accomplish this. Also, what exactly does this mean? This is what I have been pondering for the past couple of days, and my heart is actually quite heavy from it all. It seems like a huge, unachievable burden, but it's really not. Or is it?

I want great relationships. I value deep friendships...I value ALL friendships. I just want and maybe need more real...more deep. I don't know. I desire more depth in my life in general. This all needs to start and also end with Jesus and Jesus alone. If He is not the center of this quest for passion, then what is the point? There isn't one. Relationships are definitely give and take. My heart is to give. I have so much to give, and I think I have stuff to offer people. I mean, that's not sounding arrogant or something, right? I just want to be a good friend to people. But I also just want to have some solid friendships in return. I know I do. It just appears that most, if not all, of them are not existing anywhere geographically close to me...and that just plain sucks.

So now I am on this adventure to learn all about relationships/friendships and just plain relationship in and of itself. What does all of this stuff mean? Are MY expectations too high? Where is all of this coming from? I mean, I know I am a very insecure person and many times feel inadequate. No, I am not afraid to admit that. I'd rather be open and honest about my struggles than try to suppress them like I have been for oh so long.

Anyway, cheers to this new season/adventure/journey/quest...or whatever else you want to call it. Here goes nothin'! I just hope I learn more about passion along the way because I think I am pretty passionate about God and other things already (which is where my stubbornness also comes out...yep), but I have so much more to learn. I don't want to run anymore. I don't want to hit the "epic fail" button in my life one more time because I am too scared or insecure to keep pressing on. Nope. Not this time. It's passion or bust, and I am going to do it with joy cuz otherwise there's just no point. Oh Jesus, thanks for this amazing life You've given me and this opportunity to learn more about myself and express myself in new and creative ways even if it is by far one of the scariest things I've ever embarked on. Here we go!

Cheers to the New Year! 2011 and a Look Back at 2010...

Holy crap! I cannot believe it is already 2011. I also cannot believe that I am actually taking the time to blog. I am writing to you from my husband's work laptop since mine is currently at the computer doctor. I was going to wait until I got my laptop back to write, but then I figured I should do it now...New Year's Day...before I forget (again), and I just don't do it anymore. My friend, Krysten, had suggested to me before that I should blog more so here is my attempt to get off on the right track in 2011. Here goes nothin'...

2010...what can I say? What a life-changing year! Guido and I became parents! Our son, Jaydon Daniel, is by far thee most amazing blessing in 2010 and beyond. He is so much more than I could ever ask for, pray for, hope for. He is a child who is full of joy and just lights up the room with his smile and giggles. I love him so much I can't even stand it. Having him in my world has changed me a lot...and I love it. I just cannot believe that he is now 8 months old. One year ago, I was feeling his active little self moving around in my belly, playing football in there, kicking like crazy, or something to that effect. Now he is here with us...living, breathing, making messes, babbling away, moving about, and more. It's so surreal. I never knew what I truly signed up for when becoming a mom, but man is it amazing! I could go on and on.

Let's see...what else happened in 2010? Well, I feel like it's just zapped right by. I'd like to tell you that I grew immensely in my walk with God, I grew closer to my husband, I learned more about myself, and more. These things are perhaps true (hope so!), but all in all...I am still me. Whatever that means. This was my last full year of being in my 20's. I have no idea as to why this is freaking me out so much, and why I am randomly bringing it up. It's probably because of lack of sleep at the moment. Haha. I guess part of me feels like I have missed out on something in my 20's. I don't know what, how, or why. I guess maybe because I have endured so much heartache during my 20's that I feel like I missed out on so many things that others in this age range have or are accomplishing in their lives. There are lots of reasons why things in my life didn't go as planned, but I am learning more and more that those things certainly are not useless in my life. God has a purpose in everything good and bad. We can blame Him for causing this or that, but whatever. The fact of the matter is that He can and does use it all for His glory and for our benefit. It's all opportunity to draw closer to Him in the midst of the storms, the sunny days, and the overcast skies.

Now...onto 2011. Thanks for sneaking up on me! Haha! I will admit that I had a little bit of anxiety last night while waiting for the time to switch to midnight. I had this feeling of "Okay, let's just get on with it already!" I don't know why I had this anxiety, but I think some of it has to do with change. I don't do so well with change. Never have, but I hope that changes. Oxymoron much? I feel this burden or responsibility to press forward into this new calendar year, let go of the past, leave it there, and just live. Why is THAT so difficult? You got me swingin'. If you've got an answer for me, I'd love to hear it. Seriously.

All in all, I need to really learn more how to love myself. I think what holds me back from receiving love from others (God, husband, family, friends, perfect strangers) is that I don't first love myself enough. It's a self-worth thing or lack thereof. Definitely an area of prayer for me this next year. I want to and need to become more comfortable and confident in my own skin. I need to look in the mirror like that little girl, Jessica, and say...I am beautiful, everything and everyone is great, etc. That kiddo surely inspires me! Children are such a blessing and so full of wisdom beyond their years. God is good in how He speaks through his little kids. I love it. I'm definitely looking forward to the witty things my little guy will say once he can talk. If he is anything like his mother, I am sure he will have a lot to say about anything and everything!

Anyway...back on subject. Oye ve. I will be 30 this year. I am really a grown woman, a wife, a mother, but I am a woman. I am not a young girl. I am not a child. I am in some ways (depending on your point of view), but I am a woman. I am confident, beautiful, loving, gracious, and free. I am great because He is great, and He doesn't make junk. I am beautiful because He is beautiful, and I am made in His image. Right? Gosh, I feel like I could write a self-help book. Wow. Sometimes I feel like I owe people an explanation about just about everything in my life that is happening, has happened, or may even happen. Why? Let it go. Live one day at a time. Love courageously. Just. be. me. This is my goal for 2011. I want to truly discover who "me" is in this next year and live according to my identity and destiny in Christ Jesus to the absolute fullest without holding back. I challenge you to do the same.

Much love, and a very blessed and Happy New Year!
Cheers to 2011!!

Where to Begin

That is THEE question. Where does one begin when it's been like 9 months or more since this blog has been updated. So much has happened in my life, and I have so many thoughts racing through my mind that I am just dying...okay well not DYING, but you know what I mean..."dying" to share. Then again, some of the things I want to share on here are scary for me to bring up as a lot of it has to do with the past and reflecting on things as I look back and also think about how those situations in my life have helped to shape who I am today. I guess that's the whole point of being transparent though, right? Oh, and the supernatural part is God assisting me to be real with myself and others cuz I sure need Him to be able to do that sometimes!

The biggest and most exciting news is that I gave birth on April 29th, 2010 to a wonderful, healthy, amazing baby boy named Jaydon Daniel. He is such a joy, and I am still in awe that he is now a part of our lives and we get to keep him! haha. He is such a little personality already at just 7 weeks. I am learning quickly that motherhood is one of the most amazing yet challenging experiences that a woman can go through in her life. It is so rewarding, and I wouldn't change anything for the world. I love my little guy, and I am so proud of him. He is such a joy, and I am so excited to be a part of his life as it unfolds according to God's plan and the destiny laid out for little JD.

Becoming a mother changes you for sure. DUH! That's a no-brainer. But really. I am changed forever now. God is speaking to me a lot through this whole parenting thing, especially helping me to reflect on the relationship I have had with my parents growing up. I won't get too much into that now, but just to say that it wasn't and isn't easy is one of the understatements of the century. I find myself reflecting on my childhood and how I want to do things differently for my son. I want him to know how much I love him, how valuable and priceless he is to me and to his father, but especially to the Lord. I want Jaydon to know that nothing is impossible with God, and his destiny is secure in Him. Sometimes I feel like I am so hard on myself because I feel like I don't express these things to Jaydon enough. Maybe I need to tell him I love him more...maybe I need to hug and kiss him more...maybe I need to pray over his life and read the Word of God to him more...the list goes on.

I guess one of my greatest fears is that I will continue to be a product of my environment aka my childhood, family life, past experiences, etc., and that this will infiltrate into Jaydon's life...bringing him heartache, pain, and brokenness. I am not perfect, nowhere near 100% healed from all of the junk of the past, but I do love my child, and I want the very best for him. I am trying hard everyday to give him a great life, but maybe I am putting so much pressure on myself that I find myself beginning to crash a little bit and give into the old mindsets and patterns that I have learned to consider "normal" throughout my life.

That all said, praise God for the grace He sheds on a parent each and every day to raise his or her child to the best that he or she knows how...whether we accept it or not. That's another question. I love God so much, and I am so thankful that He is in my life. I don't know what I would do without Him. I mean...who would I have to thank for all the most amazing and wonderful blessings in my life...for helping my dreams to come true, and so much more. I've got a great Daddy God, and I love it. I just wish I could tear down the wall that keeps holding me back in certain areas of my life and keeps Him and others at a "safe" distance.

I could give you a list of people, situations, and times in my life that still hold me back. I am finding more and more as I look into the spiritual mirror that I live this life of insecurity and regret. Let's talk about my childhood, my divorce, my time in college, my Shelter days...the list goes on. If I was only _____back then or if I didn't _____ back then...blah blah blah. You get what I mean. Actually, I have been thinking about blogging specifically about each thing, one by one, to pinpoint some things because I think people need to hear it maybe...?? Then again, I always second guess myself because I begin to think..."What do I have to prove, and who do I have to prove it to by explaining myself?" Ahh...the vicious cycle.

I wish I would just stop giving a crap about what people think about me, trying to meet others' expectations and just begin KNOWING who I am as a woman and as a daughter of the Most High King. Period. Closed book. End of story. If only it were THAT easy....

28 Years and Still Tickin'

Normally I write a blog around the time of my birthday (I think), and I am a bit behind this year. Nonetheless, here goes nothin'.

I actually survived 28 years of life so far! haha. How have I managed this? Surely not alone. It's been quite a journey, especially in this last year. I keep thinking about the whole "turning 30" crunch, and I cringe just a little bit at the thought. However, several of my friends who recently turned 30 or are already over 30 reassure me that life in your 30's is so much better than in your 20's. I hope they are right.

It's funny for me because sometimes I feel this immense pressure to be someone or do something because I am already such and such age. I guess the truth of the matter is that I am not everyone else, and God has me set on a certain course so I just better be shut up and enjoy the ride.

My 28th birthday was nice. Guido woke up extra early and decorated the whole apartment, including Zacchy, and he wouldn't even let me downstairs until he was done. He and Zac came upstairs blowing horns and singing "Happy Birthday" to me. Well, Zac just barked and licked me while jumping all over our bed, which was weird for him because it is usually forbidden territory to even be upstairs. Guido had ordered me a nice book about my new digital SLR camera that we had bought a couple of months prior. It was a nice gift, and I am sure I will use it often. Later in the morning, my mother-in-law came for a cup of coffee and brought me a gift and a bouquet of flowers. That was such a nice treat as she knows how much I just love fresh flowers.

Guido had it all planned out for my birthday day. He wouldn't tell me anything, but only reassured me that I would really like it. So, with Zac, we hopped in the car and went. Along the way, I tried guessing where we were going, but nothing made sense because we couldn't bring a dog to alot of the places. So, I gave up. Well, as we got closer to Amsterdam, I actually sort of guessed what he had in mind, but he wouldn't give me 100% confirmation that I was right until we were just about there. We ended up in a nice touristy town called Volendam. It's on the water and located not too far from Amsterdam. We did things like enjoying a nice drink on a terrace, walking around, hanging out by the water, and some other things. We also had our picture taken with the traditional Dutch clothing on, which was a lot of fun. Zac is even in the picture. We went to a historic museum and also visited the island village of Marken by ferry. In the evening, we had a very nice meal along with a beer for Guido and a Strongbow for me. We enjoyed it! There was a beautiful sunset on the ride home as well. All in all, the day was fantastic. It was a great first birthday to share with my lovely husband.

On Friday, the 28th, we set out to Scheveningen in the evening in order to feast with friends and enjoy a night out on the town. We went to a fun restaurant that had great spare ribs (so I was told), which is the main reason why my husband chose this place in the first place. There's nothing like having your own stomach in mind when planning your wife's birthday dinner party! It's really SUCH a man thing to do. Ha! It was nice though. We had a fun time with friends, and I also got alot of nice gifts. I still have the bear cup that the waitress gave to me. The employees even prepared an ice cream with sparklers, put a stupid, dirty "Gefeliciteerd" hat on my head, and sang "Lang Zal Ze Leven" to me, which basically is the "Happy Birthday" song they sing in Dutch. Afterwards, we proceeded to a place called Crazy Pianos. It was fun, and the music was good as well. We danced, hung out, joked around, and just had a nice time. We didn't get to bed until about 4 am. Yep, wayyyy past my bedtime these days. Haha.

Needless to say, when we had to wake up for the family birthday picnic the next day, Saturday, I wasn't the happiest camper in the world. Well, I hate camping altogether so my previous statement doesn't say so much. We arrived a bit late, and I was a little miserable from being overtired. It was nice though. We were celebrating my and my mother-in-law's birthdays as she also has a summer birthday, but hers is in July. The food was yummy, lots of conversation, and I also got a lot of nice gifts. I still need to go shopping to use the gift cards and money that I got.

All in all, this birthday was great! The only thing missing was...well...many of you. It really sunk in a bit deeper just how homesick I really am. It's been a really long time since I've spent a birthday or any other day with many of you, and I kind of felt like a part of me was missing this year. I really love and enjoy my friends and family here, but they will never take the place of my family and friends in the states. It wasn't better or worse to be here, just...different.

Looking back on this year, I can say that it surely hasn't been easy, but God has been really good to me. That's something that will never change either because it's just His nature to be that way...even to me. I've got a great husband who makes me constantly makes me laugh, puts up with my temper, and surely makes life interesting. We'll leave it at that. Haha. I am blessed to have a doggy who is the cutest dog in the world, and I don't care what anyone else thinks. He just is. He is such a little stinker and quite dramatic at times. No tellin' where he got THAT from! Haha. God has kept true to His promises to me from several years ago to restore what the locusts have eaten, and I see it ringing so true in my life. And...it just doesn't stop. Even in the past few days, He has given me a lot of brand new things to look forward to as well, and it's only getting better.

I feel a little "shocked" to be 28 already. I think because I always pictured my life to be different than it actually is, especially at this age. It doesn't matter though. Everything happens for a reason, and nothing is a mistake. It all works out for the good. I am just happy that Jesus is with me, and the love affair grows stronger and truer everyday, despite my stubbornness, among other things. I am definitely looking forward to seeing what this next year holds for me. I can be sure of one thing though: it's full of great things...new treasures to be found, new joys to be experienced, and new surprises to come to light. Here's a toast to turning 28! Cheers!

Am I lost?

What a question. Yeah, you might be wondering why the heck I would be asking myself that, but let me clarify what I mean.

Last week, I happened to invade my brother-in-law's movie collection. I have gotten sick of my own movies so I needed to check out something fresh. He has some movies that I hadn't seen before. Well, needless to say, I have been watching more movies than normal in the past few days.

Today, I decided to watch "The Holiday." It's the film with Cameron Diaz, Kate Winslet, Jack Black, and Jude Law. Great movie! Just watching it, the storyline, the details, even down to the careers of the characters got me to thinking. Am I lost? Have I lost my dream? Did I leave my goals and aspirations at the door somewhere and forget to pick them up? Why did I let them go in the first place?

Okay...okay...okay, maybe I am in "lala land" at the moment, but I don't know what it is. I just get so inspired by certain films I've seen, books I've read, conversations I've had. I am a dreamer. That is for sure. I just wish I did a bit better in the pursuit of those dreams a little more often. Surely, they sit in the back of my mind alot. Maybe it's a fear thing. Possibly an insecurity thing. Or...just maybe it's being hit with the reality that this is not my life. Plain and simple. But...why couldn't it be? My heart was charged up again while watching this movie. I went back to those days back in high school when I would write songs, lyricsw, poetry, even scripts and story lines. I had big dreams to become a filmmaker and screenwriter someday. I had dreams to become a musician and to inspire and influence my generation and others with my creative gifts and talents. But...for some reason, I've just let it go. Shame on me.

So now that I have unveiled a little bit of that good ol' "my life feels like a train wreck" feeling, where do I go from here? How do I get "unlost"? Is it possible? Sometimes I find myself sort of "freaking out" (okay...a little exaggeration) about the fact that I am quickly approaching 30 years old. I feel like my life is this timeline, and it has to go a certain way. I feel like I have missed the mark, and those once REAL-LIFE dreams have become just mere memories in the back of my mind.

I guess my biggest struggle is (and always has been) for someone to believe in me. But hey, then I ask myself, "How can someone believe in me when I hardly believe in myself?" Strange. Maybe I am afraid that I won't be good enough or that someone will make fun of it or I won't appease the people in my life that I have been trying to since I can't even remember. I don't know anymore. All I know is that I have big dreams, and I need to remember that it's never too late to get back in the game. Never.

Music and Lyrics

Wow, I really need to write more. Once again I find myself staring at the screen with no inspiration to write, but since I was told that I need to be blogging more often, here is a petty attempt to express myself through words.

Tonight, I watched the movie, "Music & Lyrics" which stars Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore. I really liked the movie even though I don't think I would ever nominate it for an Oscar or anything. For me personally, it is a movie that inspires. Why? Well, for those of you who don't know, I write lyrics. I've been writing them for like 11 or 12 years now, but it hasn't been until the past few months in which my work has been put to music. It's actually pretty exciting.

In some ways, I could really relate to Drew's character, Sophie. Here she was, thinking that she could never write songs, but hey...she proved everyone, most importantly herself, wrong. I am beginning to experience the same in my life. I actually never thought my stuff was even worth trying to put music to it, but now several of my lyrics have evolved into actual songs. It's just amazing. I feel like I am actually walking in my destiny and following part of the calling that I believe the Lord has for my life.

I just feel so....uninspired lately. Sometimes, I get the greatest ideas...at the strangest moments. I might be in the shower or walking my dog, and suddenly a tune or a verse pops into my head, and I am able to just...run with it. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's because things seem all "up in the air" right now. I have loads of questions, and I am hoping to get some answers sometime in this century. Yeah yeah yeah...I get it. The whole "a thousand years is like a day and a day like a thousand years" blah blah blah. Oh well...moving on.

I'm very tired. It's probably one of the hottest days of the summer today. I feel sticky and warm, and we don't even have a fan to keep cool. Yucko! hehe. The house hunt is exhausting. My birthday is in 3 weeks! Flevo is in 2 weeks. We're possibly going to Hungary for 2 weeks. That's the plan, anyway. Oh, and I will have a REAL birthday party for the first time since I was like 6 years old. Amazing!

...I bought Oreos tonight and dipped them in milk while watching the movie. This was done in honor of America...my family and my dear friends...whom I miss alot. I need some Aunt Jemima's and some REAL American PB, and fast. If you would like to send me a care package, please let me know. haha.

Goodnight...

(Maybe by the next time I blog, I will have something a bit more meaningful to say. maybe...just maybe.)

Regrets and Nutshells

So I am sitting here staring at the screen trying to figure out where to begin. I cannot even begin to tell you the number of times I have done that throughout the months, but have been somewhat hesitant to write. Why? I have no idea. Maybe I just didn't think I had anything good to say. This is where the "regret" comes into play.

I know that I shouldn't focus on regrets and such in life, but I will focus a little on this one because I really wish I had taken the time to keep my family and friends updated on what's been happening in my life over the past several months. Well, now I am at a point where I want to share...ha! I need to share. There are so many changes, so many things going on, and this is the perfect outlet, at least for me.

Thus, the nutshell begins...

It is now mid-June 2009, and I cannot even believe it! It's been over 6 years since I graduated from college (university for all of you international friends), and just about 10 years since I graduated from high school! I can hardly believe it. It's been really neat to re-connect with people from the past through profile websites such as Facebook. I really enjoy learning about where people have ended up, what they're doing, if they're married, how many kids they have, etc. I just remember yesterday being in high school, tranferring from Baker to CNS, adjusting to a new place, new school, new everything. I also can never and will never forget my 4 life-changing years at RWC where I have been some of my greatest friends and have undergone some of my greatest trials.

Life surely has been a whirlwind. Looking back, it's just amazing that THIS is where I am in life right now. My sister just had her first child, a beautiful baby girl named Emma. My other two sisters will be graduating from high school in the next week and a half. My brother will be turning 14 years old, and I am approaching closer and closer to 30. Yikes!

Now, I am sure many of you are maybe wondering what's been going on in my life for the past 10 years. Well, I would love to touch on those points in the future, but for now, I will disclose a bit about the past few months.

Guido and I will be married 8 months on the 28th of June! Can you believe it? I can...barely. The time has just flown by, and it's been quite the 8 months so far. Being in an intercultural relationship has been quite a challenge and learning experience for both of us, but it's also been so wonderful as we're going through this journey of discovery of self-discovery individually and together. I don't just say this to win brownie points, but I mean it from the bottom of my heart that my husband is truly a gift from God, and I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world...well, maybe sometimes. Kidding!

To celebrate our journey so far, we decided last-minute to book a trip to Mallorca, Spain. We're really looking forward to this time of rest that we so desperately need. We have decided to view this time away as a second honeymoon of sorts. As some of you know, we wed just outside of Las Vegas last October, and only had a week there, which was really too short of a time. We got married on a Tuesday, had to arrange all kinds of paperwork on 3 other days, and with all of the preparations and emotions, it was just too short of a time. Next we knew, we were on a plane back to Europe, and my life would pick up and start over yet again.

For those of you who don't know, I have not been legally been able to have a job here in the Netherlands until my visa is approved. So, for the past 8 months, I have been a housewife. Do I have regrets? No way. Has it always been easy? Nope! Through it all, I will say that I have grown alot and learned so much about myself. I have had to overcome some fears and learn to be true to myself. This is something that continues everyday. I will comment, though, that just last Friday, I went to The Hague with my sister-in-law to pick up my visa card so now I am able to legally live and work here. Praise God!

Oh yeah, back to the 8 months of hibernation. It's been unreal. I will definitely have to touch on this amazing time through a series of blogs, but just to say that God has really had me in such a season of healing and restoration. It's been so good. Difficult, but good.

I am totally at a point of transition right now. Well, not just myself, but Guido as well. We have been seeking the Lord for direction and wisdom in so many things, and we praise God that things are finally beginning to come together...with a price. I have learned a life-long lesson that breakthrough never comes without a price. People get so scared by that statement, but the price we have to pay is so so good and so worth it.

The changes have never stopped, I guess. It's like someone threw me into a dryer, and turned it on, and I am still inside. Moving to another country, being married (again), being away from family and friends, adjusting to a new culture, taking on new roles, being the proud owner of a puppy named Zaccheus, and more....it's been quite a price, but a great one. If I had to do it all over again, would I? Without question, yes.

Life's Unexpectations...

it was the perfect "girl scenario. there i was on a warm vegas night, sitting in my pjs, indulging in mint chocolate chip ice cream (which is my absolute fave, by the way), hair pulled back, watching my fave show, One Tree Hill. am i lame? haha. i don't think so. just being myself, i guess. doesn't matter anyway. i was enjoying myself, and this experience got me thinkin', which is now leading me to write yet again...

tonight's episode was about tragedy, grief. the star basketball player funeral taking place and watching how others coped with this unexpected event after this guy was in the wrong place at the wrong time and was shot to death. also, watching other characters deal with their own inner turmoil that is just bottling up inside, and it makes you wonder what day, minute, second that they just can't take it anymore and will eventually explode.

for those who don't know this, and believe it or not, this show has had a major impact on my life. yes, i am newly 27 years of age, and i am deeply inspired by a teeny bopper's TV show. does it matter? i think not. OTH is in its 6th season, and it still affects me. granted, i missed most of season 5 due to living in Holland, but it doesn't matter. what i have seen of this show is enough to make me think. and i guess that's what i love about it.

so many things happen in our lives that are unexpected. i could name...oh let's say like a thousand right off the bat just in my own life, and i am sure you could too. not all of these life's unexpectations are bad, some are good, and others are even great. no matter what they are, they impact us in a way that we are changed...molded and shaped into the men and women we are today.

i guess the main "surrealities" in my life at the moment might be somehting like...i never expected to be back in the states again to live. i never expected to be divorced, and i am. i never expected to be a size 8 again after "getting lucky" and losing all of that weight to get into a size 2 right after my ex-husband left. i guess tragedy CAN be beneficial at times. haha. i never expected much of my life to take the turns that it has. some in my control, and others not. however, looking back, i guess i have to ask myself, if it was all worth it. those life's unexpectations. do even those make life worth living? that's quite a question, and maybe it cannot be answered in a simple "yes" or "no." everyone's opinion is different, i suppose.

i guess for me, it's been many of those life's unexpectations that have either propelled me into faith or shrunk me back into fear. but that's just it. we cannot control what happens or who happens in our lives. the only thing we can control is our reaction to them. i will be the first to admit that i haven't handled many situations in faith, but rather with fear. and it's been that fear that has and continues to plague my life. so this is where i am thankful for those life's unexpectations, whether they reveal the good, the bad, or the ugly side of life. why, you ask? because it's these twists and turns along the journey that give me another chance to do it right again. it's another chance for me to express my faith, and for God to express His faithfulness. and there is nothing more beautiful or more amazing than that.

Something Heavenly...

okay well, here goes nothin'. here i sit this fine evening, and i have this horrible chest cold, a headache, etc. lovely! however, the core of the issue has been spiritual and emotional in nature.
consider this song. it's amazing. here are the lyrics.

"Whatever You're Doing" by Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)
Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

so i have been feeling a bit stressed and run down the last few days. alot of stuff going on, and it's really exciting for the most part, but just so overwhelming. i guess i thought i would be handling it better than i am, or be more secure about the whole thing. well...yeah. it's been a time of some major seeking the Lord and just searching for His way, His will, and just...stuff. yeah.

anyway, i was chillin' tonight when the phone rang out of the blue. it was my friend, james. he called and asked me what's been going on in my life and how things are going. we exchanged stories of life's adventures, and during james' sharing time, he told me about the song from Sanctus Real. he explained how God was really speaking to his heart through this song. i was all excited, and so i told him i would definitely look it up on myspace after our talk. and so i did.
this phone conversation was so encouraging and such divine appointment. james spoke straight up to me about some things i needed to hear, and i knew God was speaking through him. it was major confirmation for me with some things i am dealing with at the moment. i just praise God for moments like these. i had been struggling with some things this week, and BAM! God comes through and speaks SO straight-forward and SO clearly. i just feel such peace and joy at this moment, and i am just so ever thankful for the Lord and His amazing love and grace in my life.

this song is amazing. i have listened to it probably 15 or 20 times in a row just to let the message sink deeply into my spirit. in the mist of the chaos and everything going on, healing is taking place, and something Heavenly IS happening in my life! it's okay to be honest about my feelings, it's okay to let go of the hurt and the pain, and it's okay to feel what i feel, but as long as i surrender it all to God and let Him make beauty out of my ashes.

someone once told me like a year ago that we empower what we believe. it's so true. i know that this season i am dealing head on with the spirit of fear, but even in the midst of this storm, i am confident that i will come out victorious. i am changing, and the best it yet to come. God is faithful.

so yeah....it's definitely time to let go of the past and embrace the present and the future. cuz lemme tell ya, the present and future holds GREAT things for me, and i am stoked. God is good. He really does restore all that the stupid enemy has stolen from me. what's happening in my life right now is evidence of that. He really IS in control. i truly AM on the journey of a lifetime so i better sit tight and just enjoy the ride. Wow...this is so cool. Thanks, God!

Scars...

well, here i am once again, and i actually have been wanting to write this blog since last saturday night, but things have happened, and i have just been so exhausted to think past like 8 pm. haha. so here goes nothin'....

saturday night at church was amazing. there was a guest speaker, and his name is dave roever. for those of you who don't know him, dave is an amazing evangelist, and he works alot with the military and the US gov't. you see, save is a vietnam vet who had a phospherous grenade blow up in his face, leaving him with scares over most of his body. i mean, this man was badly burned beyond recognition, and he should not have lived...according to human understanding. but my God is greater! yep. my God saved this man's life, and now he goes around the world sharing his heart and testimony with others and touching lives everywhere.

dave spoke alot saturday night about scars. he referred to his own scars, mostly the physical ones, but also the emotional and spiritual scars. his story touched my heart so much and i left that service with so much more joy, hope, and just thanksgiving in my heart for the Lord's mercy and grace. there were several times when dave mentioned about the scars of divorce. each time i heard the word, it felt like a pinched nerve in my body. i cringed, almost as though it seemed too surreal to me to think that i have actually gone through AND survived a divorce. by His grace and mercy, i made it through, and now i can live to tell about it.

you see, what i took home with me that night is the message that every scar tells a story, whether it is visible or not. God can use our every scar for our good and His glory. how amazing is that?? it hit me like a ton of bricks. well, it was something i have always said and always knew, but to be reaffirmed in this was so refreshing for me. God is such a good God!

i'm still going through alot of healing, and many times, it is not easy. heck, when is it ever easy? but God is faithful. when i fall, He picks me right back up again, takes me by the hand, and leads me. sometimes i feel like i have to apologize for who i am or what i have been through, but i know i don't. my scars reveal a major part of who i am, and i am proud of them, in a way, because it's those very scars that give others hope. yep, it's true. our scars are proof to others that we have made it through the storms that have raged around us, and if we can do it, so can they. and this is such an amazing opportunity to express to them how much we needed God's love, mercy, and forgiveness to get through those trials and tribulations in our lives. what an amazing thing. God really does turn everything out for good.

that night at church, dave also made another good point. he said that it's so much more valuable to a person when we share what Jesus Christ has done in our own lives than if we just bash them over the head with a Bible and preach to them. so simple, so known, so misunderstood. you see, people want proof of our scars. they need that message of hope. the hope being Jesus Christ. however, they want to know what He has done personally in my life and in yours. people aren't as interested in what He has done in the apostle Paul's life or whoever. they want OUR story. they want a glimpse or OUR scars so they can be reassured that they are not the only ones in the world that knows what it's like to have these scars.

so yeah, i am jess, and i have scars. i have hurt. i have pain. i could go on and on and on. what i will say is that i am thankful to the Lord for every single thing i have gone through and continue to go through in my life. it has taught me SO much and molded and shaped me into the woman i am today. suffering for the cause of Christ is the most amazing and humbling experience in the life of a believer. no matter how strong life hits us with fears, worries, trials, tribulations, insecurities, and so on....He is there in our midst. and God is faithful. amen and glory to His name.

It’s Past My Bedtime....

and i am not in bed yet. and i feel like being grammatically incorrect for this blog so bear with me. haha. i just feel this urge to write blogs lately. i don't know, maybe it's more of my passion oozing out of me or something. at any rate, i am pretty sure that krysten will appreciate this, and i hope the rest of you will too.

i spoke to my good dear ol' friend, special k, mummy k, domi k, kwyten bug, etc...krysten....on the phone today. we killed about an hour and a half on the phone, which, for us, is not hard to do. i miss her. it was so cool to go to her about advice about some girly stuff. this disproves her theory that i don't love her anymore. she has a brain (for the most part), and she knows (somewhat) how to use it, and this benefits me...so the whole world is a better place. yay! hahaha. i so need to be in bed right now.

it's just good to know that she didn't forget about me and my crazy life adventures the past few years. i mean, we have not seen each other in over 2 and a half years, and we can still joke around and be ourselves as if we were still roommates in college (university for the europeans reading this). i really consider her my best friend whether or not she feels the same about me...(no pressure, K). haha. no matter what's going on, we understand each other. heck, we even have our own language, our own myspace profile, and we SHOULD have our own talk show. hahaha. people would hate us though. lol.

we discussed becoming 30 in 3 years. the whole thought makes us both wanna vomit profusely. i could have slapped my mother with a raw fish in the face when she reminded me of that horrible truth. i am reaching 30, and its going much faster than i anticipated. this sucks. haha. however, i hear from people that their 30's are better than their 20's, their 40's better than their 30's. and so on. i am sorry but i just feel old at the moment. everyone in my group of friends lately seems to be younger. "jess, how old are you? 27. i would have NEVER guessed THAT. i would have said MAYBE 18." GRR?? haha. well, at least when i am 50, i will look 25, so praise God for that!

right now at this very moment, i feel like a time bomb waiting to go off. what a strange feeling. now you all know why i have anxiety issues. maybe its a bit more ADHD though. haha. i am just getting so restless. i am excited to be borrowing a good book from a friend which will hopefully help me to better understand men and also myself. and yes, i admit that i am one of the ONLY women out there who does NOT understand men...well besides the fact that they want simplicity, which in and of itself seems too complicated to me. does it ever end? haha. i just feel on edge and unsettled. i hate that feeling. i swear its not me though. as im typing right now, i can see a picture of myself and there is a rocket strapped to my butt, and it goes off, and i am launched into somewhere. ouch!

maybe i am just overly excited? i mean, i have reason to be. God is good, and He is giving me lots of presents lately. lots of gifts, surprises, blessings...it's all comin'. i am loving it. truly. i just....wanna go....scream at a wild monkey and hope he doesn't talk back to me or something. dude, i saw this video recently of a monkey or baboon peeing in its own mouth. so gross but very funny. why am i sharing this with you? because i am lame, and i need to be in bed, and i cannot sleep...yet. haha.

i am beginning to think alot more about my dreams and gifts and stuff lately. gosh, i need a laptop so badly so i can work on my writing! everyone tells me that i have a gift of writing, and God has confirmed this so many times. i just need the right tools to accomplish the job. i mean, it runs in the family. my uncle's first book was published a couple of years ago, i think....so yeah, i got connections. i also have this big desire to paint, do pottery, take voice lessons, maybe even dance lessons, and set up my own prayer room. yes, i have many plans, and i know it will all come together in time. oh, and i badly wanna take a photography class! i am such a visual person, and i really need a new camera. my good one was stolen last year, and now i am just praying for a new one at some point so i can become better and better at what i love. i guess i would LOVE to be a photojournalist who travels all over the world writing about different tribes and cultures, about the sick and needy, about war and terror, about all of the amazing things God is doing throughout the earth...and to be able to put some pictures with it...wow. i should start a magazine! haha.

sometimes i feel like figuring out my life would be easier if it were all just written out on one of those pieces of paper that you find in a fortune cookie. but you can't just have ANY fortune cookie....it has to be the good tasting kind or else the fortune is fake, and you leave feeling like a real loser. its true. seriously. i just wanna DO something or BE someone that matters. I mean...i AM those things now...but i just have a heart to run out there and say..."here i am, God....just send me to do whatever....i wanna so crazy things for You...crazy things in the world...and i dont care...i wanna be free in You and thats that!" i can actually see myself running in a field in Zeeland or something and yelling this up to the sky...as if I need to yell so God can hear me. hahaha. I have done that by the dyke though. its such a freeing feeling with your hair blowing in the wind as you cry out to God for whatever He lays on your heart to pray. So so cool.

anyway, i think i have a point to this blog, but then again...i probably don't. i just have this need to let out some ADHD energy and write it in a blog cuz i cannot sleep cuz im restless and really need to stop typing run-on sentences. but yeah. people, go after your dreams. the main reason why our dreams aren't accomplished is because we do nothing to chase after them. its once we take that step of faith and run after them that God equips us with the tools we need along the way to make all of our dreams come true. and never forget His rainbows....they are His promises, and His promises are sure...they never fail. God never fails. hallelujah for that!

Blender of Emotions.

Grr! Yeah, that's right. I said "Grr!" I am feeling a number of crazy emotions. If you could throw your emotions in a blender and press "start", how would they look after the blend? I have always wondered that. Haha. Okay, maybe that's a bit of an overexaggeration, which I am good at sometimes, but it would make for an interesting view.

So why am I "slightly" annoyed right now? Pretty much because people who are near and dear to my heart are being beaten up, bruised, and just hurt by very selfish and proud people. I just keep finding more and more pieces of this dysfunctional puzzle, and it just makes me wanna go hang out behind a dumpster and break dishes, as my one good friend, Kari, offered to do with me shortly after my ex-husband left. Haha. Okay, this reaction is delayed like 4 years, but it would feel oh so good right about now! I'm just sick of people hurting people. I've had it, and I have kept quiet long enough about it. I haven't wanted to take side at all, but this is just getting ridiculous. I have forgiven, and I am learning to forgive even more, which is a process, but how the heck can you forgive someone who keeps hurting you and the ones you love over and over and over again? Only Jesus holds the key to that mystery, I suppose. All I can do is surrender my anger and other emotions to the Lord and pray for Him to intervene in this situation...some way, somehow. The comfort in it all is that I know at least that God IS intervening despite how hopeless and horrible the situation looks right now.

Besides that crap, I am feelin' pretty good. God is just full of surprises this week, and it's not even Wednesday yet (well, here it's not, at least). I am learning so much more about just trusting Him. My faith is soaring because I have doubted some things that I have heard from the Lord for the past few months and even years, and now it's beginning to come to pass, and I am just like..."WHOA!" This stuff is coming out of nowhere, but it's great because it is yet another clear reminder that God is in control, and I am not. He is the One Who shapes the time and the events in our lives, and lately He seems to be doing some things in my life much sooner than I expected, but yeah, I am sooo not complaining. It's awesome, and God just rocks my socks.

I miss my long hair. There. I said it. Maybe I said it before, but I don't remember, but I have a tendency to repeat myself alot anyway, and this is the most ridiculous run-on sentence I have probably ever written. Ha! I thank God that my hair grows fast. I just want it to be a little longer. I want to be able to put it in a nice ponytail or just let it wave around in the wind that I wish existed in the desert called Las Vegas. Haha. I've felt a little tug to possibly color it too, but I have decided that I actually love my natural hair color! My hair is becoming more and more healthy, and I want to keep it that way. Gosh, it's so dang thick though. Oh well. That's life. At least I'm not bald, and maybe I can donate my extra hair to Locks of Love or something like that. I think it would be a noble gesture. :)

So I totally got all girly last night and watched Gossip Girl AND One Tree Hill. Both were good, but I am royally annoyed that I missed pretty much ALL of Season 5 of One Tree Hill because they don't show it in Holland...just re-runs of Seasons 1-4. Well, NOW they are probably showing Season 5, but it's just too late now. I know already that Lucas chose Peyton to fly to Vegas with and get married. Dan is still a psycho it seems, but the nanny lady is one sick bizzatch! Wow, I am lame. I love this show! What can I say? I seriously can relate to Lucas alot. He comes from a crazy family, and so do I. He is a writer, and so am I. He is hot, and so am I. Hahaha. Okay, I shall shuddup now.

I did it, folks. I watched the Republican Convention on TV this evening. Now, for the pure sake of watching my ass from Europeans who are in love with no matter who he is as long as he is a Democrat, I shall refrain from commenting. The only thing that I WILL say is that I have sorta been swayed from not wanting to vote at all to actually considering casting my ballot come November. We shall see when the time comes. Hehe. God Bless America. :)
I'm actually quite tired at the moment, and that's probably why this blog probably makes absolutely no sense right now. I haven't slept much the past couple of nights, and I have no idea why. Maybe it's because I am excited about everything God is doing in my life. Who knows. I have been having some pretty crazy dreams lately. I like dreaming. It fascinates me. I am such a visual person so these type of things definitely draw my attention. It's cool.

I am feeling....thankful. I am. Thankful for friends, for a roof over my head, for food in my tummy, for the simplest of things in life. I really am trying to aim towards being more simple. I am not sure how well it's going, but I am trying to make a sincere effort here. If I could only think like a man....oh wait, I don't have the proper tools for that. Haha. Shutting up now....LOL.
It's so cool to have this love affair with God. I am just falling so madly in love with Him. I can't help myself! Oh, and it affects my other relationships too. I am just loving people. People drive me nuts sometimes, especially the guy who cut us off in traffic today when we were coming back home from the bank and post office. The road rage mentality rose up in me, but then I backed down. Haha. But seriously, it's all about the love, man. I am just loving being loved. I feel SO incredibly loved! Love sets people free. His love is setting me free. That's a fact. It's good stuff.

Okay, that's about enough for now. I am losing my ability to type clearly at the moment, and I am turning into Kwyten. Now that just can't be good. Hehe.

It's off to dreamland for me....